March 07, 2018

I am nothing.

We are nothing. We are not even the image of ourselves that we perceive ourselves to be. But still, we are whole. Actually, our wholeness is in the nothing. It's just that it has become our nature to distract ourselves from this nothingness. And in the fear of feeling nothing, we justify and normalise everything that leads us away from feeling whole. (Ironically, in the name of finding what makes us whole...)

All this personal growth, all these things, achievements, titles, thoughts, processes... When it comes down to it - they are not what gives me true peace. They are not what makes me feel whole. They give me temporary kicks, yes. They keep me distracted, yes. And the chase for something "better" keeps me busy, gives me a momentary sense of purpose. But when they fade, when the goals are reached and the thoughts thought, I feel this heavy emptiness again.

And then I stumble upon Jim Carrey saying that we are nothing. That nothing in fact is anything. That things just happen. And that he found great peace in this. Well, the only thing I found was anxiety, confusion and resistance. But I was intrigued. Greatly intrigued. (My next personal growth challenge - yay!) Yet, I still didn't want to think it, I still didn't want to accept it; that I would be nothing. Because with that thought - what's my purpose? Why would I be here, why would we all be here, if we are nothing? But I am now realising that the search for purpose is what actually creates the feeling of no purpose. Because if you have to look for it, that in itself already means it is lost. But if you accept that it is already there, then that is where it will be: there.

So, basically what this means is that we lose ourselves when we start looking for ourselves. When we're asked what we want to be when we grow up. When we're asked what we want out of life. We don't need to figure it out, because it's already there. We already are, and that's the whole point. What we need is to learn to accept that. That we don't need to make ourselves up, to find a role (and then hold on to that role with our dear lives). What we need is to accept that in a world where nothing is good enough, the nothing is what's good enough.