All the men that treated me badly.

Worry never helped no one. But I worried for how they treated me. All the men that treated my badly. For all they took for granted. The good they did not see. The care they did not value. The worry they did not feel. Oh, the hours I spent swimming there. In the pool of being mistreated. I dove, I drowned, I fought to surface. Simply to drown again. I cried what felt like oceans. And I blamed it all on them. Until the ocean reflected in me the attire which I wore. Head to toe in diving gear. Beautiful snorkel and all. It was a sight not easy to see. That I had been the one there swimming. Equipped and ready to take some more, martyr cloak to make me tall. I did not choose to strip and rise, but to snorkel and dive and call it drown. For all the worry, all the blame, all the hours I spent there swimming. I used as grounds of escaping myself. My fear of walking on naked land.
Worry never helped nobody. But I worried for how they treated me. I swam in the pool of constant mistreatment. On a blissful holiday - away from myself.



Swimming in the ocean now.


Love,

Carolina

Saints and victims doing it.

Quietly, graciously, fairy like they dance. They dance the dance of subtle blame. They trip around in a glory of guilt. Poor little dancers, mere victims of other's behaviour. For you do not know how to love them. How you are is what makes them hurt. Of the wrong that lives in your being. Of your choices that batter them down. They'll tell you how you should be. What you need to come to be better. Never meaning but to heal you. To mend your broken ways. And if what they say does hurt you. If what they do leads you astray. Then that is your mere misconception. An illness that you portray. But your relentless misunderstanding will be a burden they'll sacrifice to carry. The bullet they're ready to take. For all they are is innocent dancers. Forever victims of your ways. And all they did, they did for you. All they said, they said for you. Quietly, graciously, fairy like they dance. The innocent dance of such subtle blame.


(When everything is everybody else's fault, whose fault is it then really?)


Love,

Carolina

For the greatest of courage, is the one of facing oneself.

For the fear that took over, for the heart that broke. For how lost you became, I will make it all count. I will cherish what you've gone through. Make your life my guiding star. Your good has given me my courage, your bad my knowledge of a greater self. And even though you may not know it, you have done what most will never venture. What most will circumvent. You have shown the greatest of courage, you have been the greatest of strengths. You have mended what was a broken heart, you have changed the course of what had become a life. Under a sky of stars you dared accept the truth that lingered. Under a sky of stars you let all be what it needed to be. You faced what was, you tasted your poison. And without blame, without victims, without the escape of explanation, you gathered the courage and you faced yourself. From that moment on all became forgotten. From that moment on a new life had now begun. So for the fear that took over, you have shown the best of courage. For the heart that was broken, you have mended a soul. For how lost you became, you have shown a new dimension. So for all that you've done, for all you never got to, I will make all of it count. I will mend, I will love, I'll show courage, I'll inspire. I will cherish what we've gone through and I'll look to the stars. For in the stars is where I finally found you. In the stars is where you faced yourself.

Greatest of love,

Carolina

Yes, I'm happy now.

Hello, my little one. I hear you are on your way now. When and how remains a mystery. But when and how is always worth the wait. I see you in my dreams, my dear. I am holding you already. My anticipation has grown great, my dear. And my love already greater. I almost thought I wouldn't reach this place. I almost thought my destiny was another. But so much can happen in a second, my dear. Life can be changed in a heartbeat. Your father has helped me make it here. Your father's is the love that helped me reach this. His is the love that turned me inside and out. The love I knew I desired. I know not of a kinder soul, than the one of your father, my dear. Of a more caring, gentle and loving heart. He is the greatest man I know, my dear. So strong in his calm, so true in his composure. It did take me some time to make it here, my dear. To make it to where he could see me. But bumps and hurdles are there to be gone through, my dear. Paths for us to follow. So be patient when you arrive, my dear. Be patient and allow for your timing. For you will reach the place that is meant for you. You'll reach it when you get there. Until then, hold on to faith, my dear. Until then, know that we'll be happy. We'll love, we'll laugh, we'll even learn to dance, my dear. For one day we know you'll be there. One day we know you'll be there and come running.

Lovelovelove

What if... I knew the secret to a happy life.

" It's better to regret what you did,
than to forever live with the what if. "

Such an innocent sentence. Spoken, during class, by a girl of maybe sixteen. I bet you did not imagine the effect your words would come to have on me. I bet you did not think that I from that point on would live my life according to them. And that I never in my life again would feel regret. That is quite an effect to have on a person. And that is quite the gift. 

You knew he was what he was. And you told me all about it. But you did not try to prevent or protect me. Instead, you offered me the chance to live. He was my life's first potential regret - until your words hit me - and he became my life's first rebellion against myself. Against the cautiousness I had lived with. My dear, during class, in a whispering voice, you gave me the gift of looking back at my life. From then on, I knew the only thing I would ever regret would be leaving a trail of what if 's behind me. That the only mistakes I could ever make would be not daring. Leaving things undone.

So when I was about sixteen years old, I found the source to a fulfilling life. It's in the ability to see the good and the bad as equally right. In the courage that comes with that. It's in not letting the fear of an unknown end result determine the choices we make. That folks, is my little secret to a happy life. And that folks, is what will forever keep us young. 

To Ticke.


xoxo,

Carolina