I don't want to be alone.

I've felt alone my entire life. I haven't been alone, but I've felt alone. I've gotten very used to the feeling of being alone. This feeling is what I perceive as normal. Finding peace in this feeling, I've avoided binding ties. Letting people in - only to then keep them at a distance. Alone is where I feel safe. Alone no one can hurt me. Yet the hurt has come, and the hurt has been great.

Still, I do need to be alone. I do need the silence around me. I desire my space and solitude, for it is here that I step into who I am. It is here that I create from all that I see around me. But I've come to the point of where I now need to choose. I'm now at the brink of changing. Consciously staying, where I always used to leave. Consciously turning who I am inside out. I've choked, I've panicked, I've not known what to do. And so I've returned to my haven. I've questioned myself, questioned all that I'm doing, for the amount of uneasy is at times too great to bare. But returning to my solitude I know I'm ready to do this. I may choke, I may cry and have panic rushing over me. But aloneness is not what I want anymore. Aloneness is not what I desire. No longer do I want to be scared of my close ones. No longer do I want to feel safe behind the distance. I do not want to feel alone anymore. I do not want to live alone any longer. 'Cause feeling alone is what I've done all my life. And being alone what I had created around me.



Yours truly,

Carolina

Once upon a time...

I went to the edge of my ability. Once upon a time I had to cross my line. Once upon a time I was brave enough as to finally jump over. Only to find another wall inside.
So I turned back to where I once had come from. Went back to where I had crossed my line. Revisited what had forever been a safety, stepped in to what had always been mine. I went back, as I had reached the edge of my ability. I went back in the search of a place to call my own. I sat down and again imagined you beside me. Sat down and saw the way you and me once were. How happy you'd always seemed beside me. How safe I'd always felt hiding there behind you. I thought I'd return to my peace coming here. I thought I had turned back to my comfort. But what I now faced was a big, empty hollow. And where I now sat weighed heavy on my heart. Yet, for a while I lingered there now without you. For a while I gave it my one more chance. But there was nothing there for me to return to. Nothing to find my comfort in. So sitting there I reached the point of my 'goodbye', and rising up I left my emptiness behind me. With me I now carry the gift you put in front of me, and in me I cherish the strength you gave my heart. Leaving, you did tell me I'd not remain what I had been. Leaving, you told me I'd now be moving forward. But moving without you has felt so uneasy. And changing without you a test on my soul. But being back I now can see what I have turned away from. Being back I now miss what I've become.
Once upon a time, you came, and I always knew your value. I always did know you'd leave me strong. But I did not know I'd need to come find you. I did not know I'd need this love from afar. Once upon a time, I in my uneasiness took a step back in search for my comfort. Only to find the discomfort of what used to be mine.



Love,

Carolina

The merciless child.

There you are. My mirror. My merciless one. Everything I do not want to see, you show me. You and your stubborn reflection. I so would like to ignore some things. I so would like to shut my eyes. But you just keep reflecting, and everywhere I go your reflection follows me. I cannot look at myself without seeing you, and I cannot see myself without looking at you. No matter how much I may try to change you, you simply refuse to adjust. Your cold, relentless being always stays the same. Sometimes I would like to brake you. Sometimes I would like to cover you up and ignore what you are. And often I wish you would stop reflecting. To not take your task so seriously. You seem to never cut me any slack. To never have any understanding. Is it really too much to ask for you to uphold a perfect image. To simply mirror without flaw. To bend yourself and reflect some mercy. No. You do not want to change for me. You do not want to bend, brake or cover up for me. So is it wrong of me to then sometimes despise you. To sometimes recent what you are. And tell me, what should I do when you are here because I chose to have you. When your nature is to be my reflection. How can I see myself without looking at you? And how can I look at you, when right now you are all I do not want to see.


Love,

Carolina