August 29, 2016

If you'd only change this one thing...

Are you in a relationship she says sucks because of you? Where everything that is wrong, is because of you. Where all would be different, where all would be good - if you'd only change this one thing...
Where instead of the love and support she says she's giving you, what you really feel is beaten down and just wrong. Like you never are good enough. And you question if you ever will be.

That's because (for her) you never will. She will never be completely content with who you are, with what you do, or what you don't do. As this is why she chose you. Because of how wrong you are. Because you can't get anything done. Because in you she'll always have someone to blame. And someone to save. She may fight and scream and talk and argue. Really seem like she's trying to find every solution for your relationship to work, possibilities for you to get better. But it won't. And you won't. Because that's the whole attraction. That's the whole point. That you are (and stay) worse off than her. That's what makes her feel safe - no matter how unsafe she might say you make her feel. Being with someone "worse off" than her, is what makes her fell good about herself. What distracts her from herself. It's what all of her life and all of her self worth revolves around: Being the stronger one. The better one. The one with her shit together. The one who is the considerate and reliable partner. The one doing it right. Your rock, your balance, your guide, your life line, your everything. All of her self worth comes from feeling she's better. How could she give that up?

So you can both continue to play this game. And maybe you, Mr can't-even-get-this-one-thing-right, actually will one day get it right and change this one little thing. But be sure, there will be more. Because at least one of you is an addict to the role she makes you give her. The role your flawed personality makes her take. The victim, the martyr, the one who loves you so much she'll suffer through it all. Because she knows unconditional love. Unconditional love for the one she spends all her time trying to change...



August 22, 2016

Just wait and see...

I want you to allow me to feel good. I want you to allow me to have my perfect, happy and harmonious life - without you telling me Just wait and see (or Let's hope it stays that way). I have "waited and seen" my whole life. And yes, things have happened - they always do! Because things are meant to happen. As that is what life is: Change. Life is growing and adapting, and living life - exactly that. So if we accept and respect and welcome this fact, this fact of life, if we stop trying to resist change and so desperately work on preventing things from happening, then this is when our life truly begins. This is when life starts feeling easy. Fun. Good. Exciting. As the mere meaning of life is to learn to be alive. And alive means growing with life. With its ups and its downs and all that pushes (and hopefully breaks) our boundaries. Change should not be scary. Change should be what we expect, what we hope for, something we embrace. As without change we stagnate. And with stagnation we slowly deteriorate. (I think that is why so many of us are uneasy and unhappy. We hide and run from change, terrified of what it could bring. We simply are bored with life and ourselves.)

So now I'm pregnant and surrounded by Just wait and see's. Just wait and see how this baby will change you. Just wait and see how she'll consume your lives. Just wait and see how she'll keep you from painting. How nights will be sleepless and calm mornings but a distant memory. Just wait and see - things will never be the same...

Well, of course they won't. That's not what I was expecting. That's not why I am expecting. I wanted change. I am choosing change. So why should I perceive these changes as something threatening? Why are you warning me about them? Of course she'll change our lives. But how is in the attitude we choose. Having her will not eliminate all I have at this time, but add to the life that I have at this time. And I can choose to see all she'll need as "taking". Or I can choose to see it as her giving. As her giving me the gift of evolving again. As her giving me the gift of changing. Thanks to her, I'll learn to be creative in new ways. Thanks to her I'll learn a new focus. Thanks to her I'll probably become even more efficient, as thanks to her I'll learn to paint with someone there. Thanks to her I'll have the same amount of time in a day, now multiplied with moments. And we will teach her what our mornings are for. And we'll embrace the change, not fight against and complain about the change.

So having her here will enable me to once again expand myself. To grow, to learn, to find new sides of myself. And that is why my life is so beautiful. Because no matter what comes my way - I love it and welcome it in my own way. I make it a part of my life, not the fight of my life. And this I always will. I do wait and see, but not through tension and horror. And our baby on the way, will never be a baby in the way.



August 16, 2016

Are your besties genuinely happy for you?

When things go your way, is your best friend genuinely happy for you? Do the words that come out of her mouth, truly match the rest of her being? Can you see it in her eyes, hear it in her voice - or does the effort behind her kind words simply seem like too much of an effort needed?
Is your gut telling you exactly this, but as she is your best friend, you choose to ignore it. To give her the benefit of the doubt. To believe her words - not her actions. And have you over time learnt to not make too much of a fuss of yourself. Have you learnt to dim yourself down - in order to make and keep her happy. To avoid any more of the awkwardness of you having to second guess your best friend's words.

Now replace your best friend with co-worker, partner, lover, family member, other friends. How does it make you feel to live with that around you? With people who do not support you. Who are not or cannot genuinely be happy for you. For I am sure you (and/or your gut) have stumbled upon it. There is even so much of it in our society, it is so common, that we most often don't even recognize it. Because this is the norm: We hate on the ones who have it "better". That's just the way it is. But why is that? And why is this okay? Why is it acceptable to not be happy for others? Why is it okay to "jokingly" say 'Oh how I hate you for having such a beautiful home/for going on your fabulous trips.' 'Oh no, you cannot lose weight, because that will make me feel bad about my weight.' 'You're so lucky/privileged it's unfair.'.... Why is this how we communicate? And how we feel. Why don't we demand more of ourselves - and of the people around us. Of society.

I had to drastically distance and isolate myself, in order to finally, truly be able to feel and to believe that it is my right to be happy. To have it good. Really good. That I don't have to feel ashamed for the beautiful home I live in (which, for the scepticts, is not because "daddy pays"). That I don't have to hide the fact that I feel good about myself. (I used to hate myself. I used to hide myself behind layers and layers of unhealthy habits, and I will not be expected to tone myself down after having broken free from that self-hate.) That I don't have to belittle the fact that my love life is like something out of the movies. That I know everything always will be more than right. And that my every single day looks and is exactly how I want it to look and be. These things are everyone's rights. And me having them is not away from anyone else.

Hard times brought me here, and hard times teach us. But that does not mean that we have to stay in the hard times. For there comes a time when enough is enough. When you have to learn what the hard times taught you - and move on. My hard times taught me that I do not have to be my friends', my lovers', my co-workers', my family members' nor any strangers' training wheels on the path to becoming a better person anymore. I learnt that wishing well for others needs to become a two-way street. And that it is up to each and every one of us to become the person who can feel happy for another. Who can thrive in another's joy - as genuinely as we already do in another's sorrow.



August 03, 2016

Stupid parents.

All parents feel protective. Every parent's main priority and instinct in life is to care for and to protect their child(ren). It's a force unlike any other. A force no one can come between. I'm sure every parent would agree with that.

Now imagine yourself going against this feeling. This instinct, this force, this conviction of what is right. What feels right. About what keeps your child safe. About what will keep your child healthy. What is best for your child.

Now realize, that it is exactly your opinion that determines what your choices are. An opinion based on what you read, have read, what has been said and told to you - proved to you. Your opinion is what governs your choice, your feeling, your intuition and your instinct. The force of your conviction.

Now appreciate, that the parents of a different opinion from yours, are no dumber than you. They are no more irresponsible than you. But in fact, they are equivalent to you: Doing and choosing what feels best, what feels right, what their instinct says is right - for their child(ren).

And if there comes a time when a parent might regret their choice (of for example not having vaccinated their child) - understand, that for every story of this kind, there is a story about those who did regret their choice to vaccinate. Cases where their offspring for the rest of their life (if they did not lose their life) will bear the consequences of their parents' choice. A choice made based on their parents' opinion...

So before you shout and scream and judge - and stupidify your fellow parents - try having some understanding. Try feeling some compassion, some tolerance. Try practising some respect. As it is exactly that respect for your opinion that you are so firmly demanding and standing behind. The right to choose for your child what in your opinion feels right.


Carolina. A mother-to-be.