Am I annoying you?

I was looking at the view over the city one evening. Moon hanging low, lights in windows, cars passing by. And (once again) it hit me: how completely lost we all are. How we keep busy like ants, going from here to there to here and then there again and then up and then down and omg if we even find the time to sleep in between. We're so fake. We fill our lives with stuff that we force importance onto. Brands, projects, image, our busybusybusyness... And yet, we are so clueless. The truth is, that we are so unbelievably selfish. Rootless even. Because we never stop to think why we are here, what we could do to make our lives actually matter. Because we simply don't want to know. We simply don't want to take responsibility. It's too much work. We like our fake lives. Our safe fake lives. Where we do everything according to the mold and trend of today. We're too safe and too comfortable in doing what everyone else is doing. Asking ourselves why we actually are here, what we actually could and should be doing - it's just too uncomfortable. And what would people think if I started asking myself those questions? That I'm some sort of hippie? It's much nicer (read easier) to want and to have all the "right" products, the "right" brands, the "right" clothes, "right" friends, "right" lifestyle and to put all of our focus on that; the life filled with noise and (hu)man made things, but no actual value. No actual good. No actual purpose.

I asked my Instagram followers today, if they have ever asked themselves why they are here. And do you know what my thought was? "I hope it's not too annoying that I ask a question like that." Silly, but true. Because I know many will find it annoying. But I think a question like that will only be annoying because what it actually does, is hit a nerve.

One should never be ashamed of working on making oneself a better, responsible human being. I ask myself every day why I am here. And so should you.

Love,

Carolina

I'll help you, if...

Why you'll never see a sponsored post on my feed: 

Do you guys know why I want to make it? Why I want to be bigger than average. Why I want to brake down all the walls of my box? What my biggest motivation is? It's actually one thing: I want to make it, so that I can help. So that I can share, care, support and heal. So that I can prove to myself and to others that anything and everything is possible in this life and in this world. Because without feeling that, that I am here to do good, I simply cannot understand my reason for being here. I want to help heal the world. I want to help people on their journey. I want to have an impact. I want my life to matter. I want to do good. And I want to do a lot of it. Why? Because it's the right thing to do. To support each other. To care. To lift each other up. To help. And I'm not talking about the You scratch my back, I'll scratch yours-kind of help. I'm talking about helping without expecting something for oneself in return. Helping, because one can. Because one has the opportunity to do so. Not disguising it as "help" when what it actually is, is the one with more power using it to gain something for themselves. 

That's why you will never see gifts, sponsored or collaborated posts here. If and when I share something, it is and always will be, because I actually like it. Because it's something I actually believe in. Because it's something I actually want to support, not take advantage of. And if I actually like it, if I actually believe in it, isn't that all the more reason for me to want to support it by, let's say, paying full price? By, let's say, sharing without expecting anything in return? By helping?

I'll never help you, if... I'll help you - because I can.

Love love love,

Carolina

Why I am not lucky.

Many times I have been told that I am so lucky. That good things just seem to happen to me. I know all of this is meant only well, but I would like to tell my side of the story. Because it isn't really how it might seem to be. And I do feel it is unfair to all that I do do, when someone puts all that happens to me up to "luck". I do understand though, that unless one is on this side of the story, one wouldn't know how much work it takes to help bring all this luck into one's life. To help make all of those good things happen. To help make. Because, as in everything in life, it takes work. And jumping into a dream head first, in order to make that dream a reality, takes a lot of work. Luckily - I love work. And I know, that all these good things, the things that make me seem so lucky, happen to me because I work for them, and - here's the most important one: I work on myself, in order to make them happen.

When I set out on a life dedicated to following and realising my dreams, I never ever could have imagined the amount of work that needed to be done on myself. Because the amount of obstacles one puts out there for oneself is mind-blowing. Seriously, we do not believe in ourselves enough. And how little we believe becomes extraordinarily apparent when the belief is put to the test. Because it's actually quite easy to work hard physically. But to create a world of one's own, to continue believing in one's vision, to dare dream and believe in that dream, to even understand we have a dream!, is not easy. It's like battling both worlds of the story of Don Quixote. One side of oneself as Quixote himself, believing so hard in the vision, and the other the reader telling you what you're seeing is but a mirage. This is where the work really needs to be done: in continuing to believe in that the dream is reality. Because if we don't, then it never will be. 

So when you see someone who is living their dream, know that they are not lucky. They are working for it - hard.

Love love,

Carolina

It's all your fault that I'm not happy.

We are so reluctant to face and accept the fact that we are responsible for what we do, how we think, what we feel, what we go through, what happens in and with our lives. We're so comfortable with everything always being someone or something else's fault.

Global warming, pollution, humans, children and animals being mistreated - we all have our part in it, don't we. But it's so convenient to blame others. 

We're stuck at a job that's eating us up from the inside, because of living costs and/or a loan or two. But we choose and chose that loan, we choose how we live, what we consider to need in life, don't we. But it's so convenient to blame the loan, to use all sorts of reasons why we need that loan, that house, that car, those clothes, that boat. 

We're stuck in a relationship or relationships that make us unhappy, that hold us back in life. But we're choosing to stay, aren't we. The convenience, the finances, the traditions, the mutual friends, the children - they're all just excuses, and it's too easy and just too convenient to have them as the reason we're not making a change, isn't it.

Our bad mood, all that goes wrong in a day, a week, a month, our lives... Is all the fault of the weather, our a-hole boss, our job, the news, the bus driver, our friend, our ex, our mother, our partner. Because we are not responsible for what we think or feel or do - but, again: they are. They are responsible for our life choices, for what happens to us, how we react and how we feel. Or if not, at least they should be the ones to fix it. To fix our lives. To fix how we feel. What our experience is. Or at least stop making it so damn impossible for us to be happy.

But why are we and why do we get unhappy? It's exactly because of this: we're looking for the reason, for the responsibility, for the blame - in everything and anything else but in ourselves. 

It's all your fault, that I'm not happy.

Love love,

Carolina

To heal the world.

Thinking a lot about what I stand for. What my values are. What I'm here for. My purpose. Asking myself what it is I really want. Who and what I really want to be.

Am I here to consume? Am I here to promote consuming? Am I here to be and to do like everybody else? Am I here to exploit the world? Am I here to do and to get as much as possible? Or am I here to take care of the world. Am I here to share and to help the ones I can help. Am I here to stand for causes instead of consumption. To stand for peace instead of stress. To stand for values instead of goods. What do I want to teach my daughter? What do I want her to grow up knowing? What do I want her to value? To stand for? To feel about herself?

I want to only want what I actually really want. What speaks the same language as my values. I don't want to want just because everybody else wants, or because trends and/or companies tell me that I should want. I don't want to be a certain way or do certain things because everybody else is. I don't want to want because I get it for free. Or tell you you should want it because I got it for free. I won't take anything for free. Because my consumption I want to keep for my own needs. I'm not here to tell you what you should want. Or how you should be.

I think a lot. I think a lot of how my choices reflect on others. I take my role here quite seriously. I want to stand for what's important in this life. To take care of each other. To take care of our planet. To reconnect with our earth and ourselves. To relearn to be okay with silence. With peace. With not performing all the time.

I want my daughter to know this. That I did all I could to become the best human being I could imagine. That I did all I could to give back. That I lived according to my values. True to my Self. That I found my purpose in life. That I dared stand behind it. And that there is no shame in wanting to heal the world.

Love,

Carolina

Popping the cherry.

I obviously need to pop the cherry, brake the ice, tare down the wall - whatever - because I have writer's block and I want it gone. I've tried to produce this most awesome of awesome texts about what motherhood is for me for about five months now, and every time I try I end up with nothing but huge frustration. I am trying too hard. My expectations are too high and I am thinking waaay too much about what you guys on the other side of the screen will think. So I'll just start with putting into simple and honest words what I at this moment feel.

I feel us women, in our attempt to maintain our hard earned freedom and strength, are putting added strains and expectations upon ourselves and each other. There is such an immense pressure out there nowadays to not let life change a bit when becoming a mother. Bodies that need to be back in pre baby shape as soon as possible. Lunches that need to be lunched, dinners that need to be dined - where ever and whenever. Hobbies, events, activities, trips, dates, meetings, careers - all need to remain unaffected by the fact that one now has a baby. Because the women who do let a baby "get in the way" are considered old school, maybe boring, possibly even a bit lame and weak.

I was one of the women who thought like this, because I had no idea what having a baby is all about. I thought nothing would and/or should change. Well, of course something, but I saw myself carrying on almost exactly as before - but with a baby. What I instead found was, that I very much do know how to surprise myself... Turns out I am that annoying mother who says No to an invitation because the timing is inconvenient due to baby eat, sleep or whatever other reason. (And oh, how I've beaten myself up about that.) Turns out I am that mother who wears those sweat pants and showers twice (or once) a week. I am that mother whose weight sticks to her like glue, something I only thought happens to lazy people. (But then again, I haven't lifted a weight or broken a sweat to get back into pre baby shape, which in its turn has made me feel like I am a bad woman and wife for not trying enough or putting in the effort to look my best. (Note to self: are these the feelings and thoughts of a modern, independent woman? Sounds a bit 1950's to me...) But: my energy levels are simply not high enough to care and/or take this on right now. And I am on a mission to learn to love myself - no matter what I look like - a state I did not really think I would reach, but in fact, as late as this morning I looked myself in the mirror and actually liked the reflection of my soft baby tummy and rounded hips - because they were mine! And Grace made them!) And finally, my biggest shame: I am the furthest you can come from a "normalize breastfeeding" mother. The only place I bare my boobs is at home. (And oh, oh, oh, how I have beaten myself up about this!)

Now, knowing women, I'm sure many are happy to hear that I am not perfect. But there are also many who might think of me as being lazy and weak. Maybe even feel a bit disappointed in me, that I am allowing for this to happen. But I am. And what I've now found is that basically it has nothing to do with my baby "getting in the way". It has to do with me. With me making choices that feel best for me. With the sort of person I am. With the sort of woman the mother in me turned out to be. It's all and only about what I feel comfortable with. And after kicking myself for five months over everything and anything, I have come to the conclusion that, what does make me a strong and independent woman, what does keep my hard earned freedom unaffected, is the fact that I get to do and be however and whatever I want. So, I am hereby releaving myself of all expectations - others' and my own. And for the sake of women's rights, I hope you do the same.



Love,

Carolina


PS. For those who were expecting a post about introvert mothers: post is in labour, but yet to be born.

The V word.

(This is a direct translation of a Facebook update I wrote in Swedish, after once again having stumbled upon such incredibly derogatory comments about and to those who dare question the consequences or affects of vaccines.)

I feel sick with fear over what kind of comments this update might bring, but I can not be silent anymore. And I will say this now: I am not going to debate vaccination here. And I will not tolerate disparaging remarks either. This is for me a question of how to treat and talk to one's fellow human beings. Something that seems to lose all value when it comes to the discussion of vaccines. I am so shocked at how (what should be) civilised people seem to completely forget what they say they themselves stand for: equal rights, tolerance, respect, understanding, compassion, open discussion, peace. Suddenly it's more than okay and acceptable to call others idiots, ridicule them, speak aggressively and even threaten. Suddenly it becomes completely okay with zero tolerance, zero respect, zero understanding, zero compassion, zero open discussion. Instead, it's war. Us against them. (Has "us against them" ever done anyone any good?) The fact is, that there are parents whose children have been negatively affected by vaccines, even lost a child. There are parents whose whole being screams to not vaccinate. There are parents with different values, parents who have read more than one article on the Internet, parents who vaccinated child number one and chose not to vaccinate child number two. My point is, how ever important an issue is, we can not forget to try and understand each other, to empathise, to have respect and compassion for each other. Trying to silence or affect others through demeaning comments, aggressive speech, coercion, pressure and bullying is never right way - however noble one's cause may be.
Make love not war. Always.


Love and respect,

Carolina

It's so easy to be alone.

It's so easy to be alone. There's no risk of anyone hurting you. There's no one you've surrendered your heart to. There's no one you trust with your vulnerability. There's no one to touch your fears, no one to awaken your weaknesses. There's no one you took a chance with and finally let in.
Alone, you have control. Alone, you'll know what happens. Alone, you'll be sure they won't hurt you. Alone, you won't need to practise trust. Alone, you'll remain within comfort. Alone, there's no fear of not knowing the outcome. How you will be treated, what they'll do, what they'll think, what they'll feel, what'll happen when you're not there.
For some things we don't want to lose. Some things we want to keep forever. And when they are one of those things, they are, and will be, the ones touching all of our fears, awakening all of our weaknesses, challenging all of our need to feel back in control. To run inside and to lock the door forever.
This is why I once chose to be alone.


Love,

Carolina