November 11, 2016

What one woman can do.

It's what you give attention to. What you put your energy into. Just like a child having a temper tantrum; you can choose to ignore it - and have it go away - or you can choose to fight against, have it drain you - and have it not go away. Because getting into the fight means participating in it, allowing for it to happen and to continue. Bottom line is, that the result will be what you choose to put your energy into. And most often, when it comes to adult life, to relationships, we tend to put all of our energy and focus onto what is wrong.

I did that. I fought and I fought against men who refused (or could not) see that me being a woman did not automatically mean certain things. That me being a girlfriend did not automatically mean that wanting to be heard was me nagging, that me having needs was me being difficult or demanding. I fought so hard to be seen and respected as nothing more (nor less) than an equal human being. To not be pre-labelled, judged and characterised as something - simply because I was a woman. As "all women are the same". For so many years I felt so unbelievably frustrated, misunderstood and mistreated in these sorts of relationships. For no one wants to be judged! No one wants to be told by someone else what you "are like" - based on their prejudice! It's incredibly frustrating and immensely suffocating. One's words and feelings mean nothing, have no power whatsoever. And the desperation to be heard and seen for who you really are becomes devastating. But I lived with this suffocation and desperation. And spent my time putting all of my energy into trying to change another person's prejudice. I was trying to change people who obviously did not know or want to know better - or to change. And here's where the change-the-world-one-woman-at-a-time part starts. There finally came a day that I got so fed up of fighting against this temper tantrum Goliath, that I simply gave up. I had given this fight all of my energy - and had no more. I did not surrender, but chose to walk away. And in walking away I got the distance I needed to see the most important of all revelations: that I had not been the victim of these relationships, but an equal participant in them. By merely being there, taking it, giving it all of my energy, trying to fight against it - by staying - I was agreeing to and approving this view of women. I was the one allowing for it to go on. No one else, only me. And so, fed up and worn out from trying the impossible for so long (to change another), I decided to focus on changing myself. To change the things about me that allowed for all of this to happen. To change myself into a woman who did not find that sort of man attractive or interesting anymore. To see nothing charismatic in the sort of man who needs to step on his woman in order to feel tall. To not see a man needing for a woman to feel uncertain of herself, her place in his life, her value, her credibility, as a man of mystery and intrigue. (Why are so many women attracted to what makes them feel bad and/or uncertain about themselves!?!) This is what I needed to change. Not the man, but myself.

To change the type of man and relationship one has always been drawn to takes some work. Every woman who has done this, knows that. And every woman who feels attracted to the "bad boy" knows the frustration of being with one. And knows the frustration of not feeling attracted to the good one... But the work is worth it. The walking away is sooo worth it. The ignoring of what does not feel good, fair or right - is so worth it! So do the work. Stop making it all about him, and look at yourself: Why are you accepting this? Why does this feel "good"/good enough? And then change. It's a cliche, but in this case you need to be the change you wish to see. 'Cause your bad boy won't. We aaall know that. Even you.

So with Goliath left to have his temper tantrums by himself, I walked away and changed myself. I changed my whole perception of myself. I drew lines for myself. I stopped accepting crappy and unfair treatment. I stopped feeling bad and/or apologising for having wants and needs. And the old behaviours and patterns I used to accept, well, that sort of behaviour does not interest or intrigue me at all anymore. And there's definitely nothing mysterious and intriguing about it; about a man that treats a woman like crap. And for finally being good to myself, for respecting myself, for looking and walking the other way, I was sent the greatest of gifts in reward: A man, a partner, who does respect all humans equally. A man who is tall enough in himself to support, to be proud, to unconditionally love and respect, to lift up the woman by his side. I cannot tell you how good it feels to have such a man by my side. For the first time in my life I feel equal. For the first time in my life I feel truly heard. For the first time in my life I feel I have value. And I now can breathe in my relationship. This person by my side genuinely wants the best for me, as my best is of no threat to him. That's how it feels to be someone's equal. He is the greatest gift I got, and will be the greatest example of a what a man is for our daughter. This is the sort of man she will know to be a man. And as a woman, as her mother, it fills my heart with tremendous happiness for her. It gives me hope and faith and trust in that our daughter's surroundings as a woman will be better.

But as I said, I needed to do the work to see this man. To see myself as good and valuable as he sees me. Before, I was only looking the other way. Concentrating and giving all of my energy and focus to people who could or would not want to see me as an equal. So women, this is where we can start. On the journey that might seem and feel quite impossible at the time, we can choose what we allow at home and in our relationships. After all, home is where it all begins and our relationships what reflect on the future generations.



And thank you Sam.

October 25, 2016

Dream. And when it all goes wrong: Dream.

What does a dream consist of? Expectations.
What is the risk of expectations? Disappointment.
What is disappointment? Anger, sadness, frustration and confusion.
Where do these emotions leave you? In hesitance.
What is hesitance? Fear.
Does fear mean that your expectations were too high? No.
Do unaccomplished or unfulfilled expectations mean that a dream is unrealistic? No.
How come? Because a dream is defined by something that is not (yet) real.
With expectations we further our dream into reality.
And through disappointment we trial if our faith in the unreal truly is real enough.
So just continue your dream.



October 22, 2016

The fear of life.

So it all ends there: at something we dread. Something we've heard so many horror stories about: the birth. The painful, dangerous, uncertain and did I say painful birth. Where anything and everything can go wrong. Where we poo in front of others, rip, bleed, and once again - agonise in pain.

For nine months we've gone through this miracle of growing a new life inside of us, a brand new human being. Someone who will go on living and creating their own path on this planet, change our lives, and maybe even change the world. And yet, the pain of the birth of this person steers us towards disbelief and despair, even causing severe anxiety for many. Such a sad way to end the journey of having grown a life.

What is it in us humans that makes us so terrified of pain? Physical and emotional. We fear it so much, that we even allow for it to overshadow many of our experiences. We even tend to avoid experiences - because of the fear of possible pain. Physical and emotional.

I myself used to dread the thought of giving birth. And yes, only because of the pain. It started with the horror stories I'd seen on TV, and now, in my adult life, I suddenly found myself surrounded by the phenomena of people feeling the need to "tell the truth" about birth. All the not so beautiful things. The things they wished they had known. There seems to be this trend to spread all that can go wrong. The multiple sorts of negative effects and pain that birth has and will have on a woman's body. To burst the bubble of birth only being beautiful, as "that is not reality". It's people feeding each other's fears. And I for one used to believe all of this. I used to think these experiences were the truth for everyone - and therefore definitely would be the truth for me. In my head I had collected all of the horror stories I had heard and gathered them into becoming the truth of my own experience. That is, until I started thinking for myself. Because, like everything else in life, why would I let other people's fears determine my experience of life? Just like the people, who in the beginning of my artistic path, told me no one lives off art in Finland - I chose not to listen nor to believe in their fear based words - and therefore proved them wrong. Just like the person who told me, when my life had hit a wall, that maybe I was reaching too high - I chose not to listen to advice based on this person's own restrictions and fears - and got even higher. I now choose not to listen to advice, words or even experiences that are based on fear anymore. Not the fears of others and not the fears of myself. Because this fear stems from the fear of feeling pain. The pain of discomfort, disappointment, heart ache, uncertainty and more. But this fear, which we allow to so often steer ourselves, is not the truth. It has no reason and no base. It's simply based on avoiding pain. And why would we want to do that? Isn't a heart that has loved the most beautiful of things? Isn't a chance taken the best of bravery? And isn't a new life born the ultimate miracle of life?

I am now looking forward to experiencing the pain that will lead to the little person inside of me being born. For her to come out - this pain is needed. It's the magical process of muscles cramping, of body and tissue adapting - all to give birth. My body is meant to feel this pain. It's the pain that will lead her into my arms. And the whole experience of pain is only temporary - as pain most often is.

So just like every other pain that I've experienced in my life so far - physical and/or emotional - has brought me to a higher level and to a better self - so will absolutely this one.
There is nothing to fear, but fear itself.



October 19, 2016

Am I fat?

I have gained 775 grams/week during the last four weeks of my pregnancy. On the wall of the health centre, next to the scale where every time you are supposed to weigh yourself, it says that gaining 500-1000 grams/week is normal. That puts me almost right in the middle of normal. Then whyyy is the comment of the doctor "Oh, that's a lot." What makes that so "a lot"?!? I am growing a healthy baby inside of me, and eating according to what my body says it at this time needs. And it needs food often right now. Therefore, I am naturally gaining weight - because I am supposed to. Or should I starve myself just to stay at the lowest gain of weight possible? What would the comments be then? Maybe I would look "better", but would I be doing my growing baby a favour?
I am fed up with the weight being such a central issue during pregnancy. Give women the peace and right to grow their baby - in which ever way their baby and body needs. We're so terrified of gaining weight in this world, that even in this blessed state there's nowhere to hide from the comments of the percieved ugliness of a woman growing in size.


78,6 kilos and proud of it.

September 27, 2016

Making people pleasers.

My previous text was a very difficult one for me to post. My feelings and thoughts concerning my wish for a home birth, are feelings and thoughts I thought long and hard on ever even revealing - to anyone. What finally triggered me into writing was some comments I read about how doulas, private midwives, childbirth classes and so forth, are but a way to take advantage of, manipulate and make good business off women whose brains and judgement are mushed by pregnancy hormones. Comments and views like that are so incredibly demeaning - to everyone involved - and really make my blood boil. So I decided I wanted to not hide my thoughts and wishes concerning this matter anymore, but proudly stand for what I believe in - even if it does not correlate with the public opinion. I must tell you, it's not easy to share an opinion out of the ordinary, as so often when someone raises a question, expresses an opinion or thought out of the norm, it is taken as criticism and/or ungratefulness - even stupidity. It's very easy to be bullied by these into simply keeping one's mouth shut, or just going with the flow.

In whatever I write, my intentions are never to insult, judge or criticize anyone. These are merely my personal thoughts, feelings and opinions, which we all have our right to, and I equally respect thoughts, feelings and opinions different from my own. I see myself as a smart, thinking woman, who weighs her options, does her research (not only the one that corresponds with my own point of view), listens to her gut, and thereafter: draws her own conclusions. If my choice then differs from the masse's, does that really mean I am not capable of drawing conclusions and making my own (valid) decisions? Why should I have to go with the flow? Has that ever been a good thing; when people are not allowed to think for themselves? 

One other reason why making my thoughts, opinions, feelings and values public feels difficult at times, is because I have the remains and history of a people pleaser in me. With having lived the way where my own well being and feelings always came second, simply to keep others happy, now posting things that might not make people around me (known or unknown) happy, stretches my area of comfort quite a lot. There's still the person in me that simply wants to keep everyone happy, not push the boundaries, not press any buttons. Of course, this trait is a good one; to take others into consideration, and that is something I will never lose - but all in healthy moderation and balance. 

So being an ex people pleaser, and someone who still from time to to time battles with recognizing when falling into that trap - when I do choose something for myself, when I do stand up for myself, even the slightest hint of being thought of, suggested or told off as therefore being ungrateful or selfish, is really hard for me to hear. For I am so glad and proud that I've finally found the power to speak my mind, to make my own decisions - and to stand behind them. And I know my intentions have never been, never are and never will be to hurt others. I have simply finally allowed myself the right and respect to be true to myself. To not be guilted, bullied or manipulated into doing as is most convenient for others. To see and recognize when someone is trying to do so. This is why, even if it is not meant with harm, even if it is a comment unheard by the speaker - when the slightest indication or mention of the words ungratefulness, selfishness or irresponsibility pops up in a situation where I see myself or someone else simply making their own choice and decision, I get extremely protective. Because this is one of the ways people pleasers are made: by hearing they are ungrateful, selfish or difficult when choosing for or listening to themselves. You, me, and everyone else, have the equal right to choose exactly what feels best and right for us. No one has the right to bully, manipulate, convince or guilt us into choosing or doing something we don't want, simply because it accords with their personal opinion, fear or need for control.  Because when someone wants you to do something their way, that's exactly what it is; their fear that you might otherwise choose differently, their fear of losing control - over you and/or the situation. They are not respecting your right to choose for yourself. We really need to start respecting and trusting each other more. We seem to have such a difficult time with trusting and respecting other people's skill to draw their own conclusions and make their own decisions. Trying to control other people's opinions and/or choices through guilt, manipulation or strength is not the way to go. It's not the way with your partner, it's not the way with your friends, it's not the way with your family, co workers, strangers - anyone. (And it's certainly not the way with an expecting woman whose motherly instincts have started to come awake...) So just as it does not make me ungrateful if I say 'No thanks' to an ice cream offered to me, or choose to go to hairdresser A instead of B. Just as it does not make me ungrateful for my (first) nurse simply because my opinions and/or values don't accord with hers, it does not make me ungrateful for the health care or hospitals we have in Finland by wishing for the setting of my own home or believing in first trying it the natural way. When it comes to my heart, my health, my values, my hair, my life - I have the full right to choose who and what ever correlates with what feels best for me. And no one should have to feel that my choices are me stepping on their toes - simply because I chose to not walk their way.



September 23, 2016

I want a home birth.

Last year 46 out of 55 759 babies were born at home in Finland. Planned home births that is. An extremely tiny percentage (not even close to a percent), but still a growing number from the year before. Planned home birth is something of a sensitive subject here in Finland. Not seen with very accepting eyes. And if one is one of the 0,0 something percent that wants a home birth, one sort of learns what to say and what not to say when that matter comes up. Basically one just keeps one's mouth shut. Because the reactions and the response can be quite aggressive, judging, even intimidating and harsh. That is why I thought I would leave my thoughts about this subject unsaid and unwritten, at least until our little baby has arrived. But seeing as anything can happen in life, I want to share my thoughts already. Because if it goes as so, as to me giving birth in a hospital, I want everyone to know that that wasn't my wish. I want to proudly stand behind being one of the 0,0 something percent.

When first asked about if I had given any thought as to the circumstances around the birth, my answer came without me even having put any thought into it. I answered the way 16-year-old me would have answered: in hospital, with my husband in another room (as I thought the grossness of something being forced out of my tiny va-jj would not be good for him to see if we ever were to look at each other in that way again), and probably with the help of a lot of painkillers. At sixteen I even felt a cesarean would be just awesome, as that would mean I'd have to do no work, nor go through any pain myself. (!!) And then a full grown man told me he had been a part of his child's birth, and that that had been the most amazing and beautiful thing he had ever seen and experienced, and that he would not have wanted to miss that for the world. His words really got me thinking. If a man could see all that, and find it so beautiful, why was I so shy/afraid/disgusted of the thought? And so, I decided to carefully venture into the world of social media and youtube, and I saw my first ever water birth video - with muted sound though, as that felt like a little too much at once. I did not expect my reaction to be tears, nor how beautiful I would find it to be. It was like my eyes were opened and all fears washed away - in some other woman's birth pool.

I love the feeling of knowing myself. Of trusting myself, my intuition, my own judgement. And when you find something that for the first time in your life makes an event you've dreaded into a beautiful thing - well, I wanted to know more. So I watched more videos (with sound gradually going up), read more articles, blogs, and even bought me some old school books. And now, for the first time in my life, I know what birth is. I know what happens in a woman's body. I know about all the magnificent hormones we have, how our bodies are built, what happens when the process of birth begins, what positions help deliver, how to breathe and move in order to help relieve the pain. And with knowing all of this I now have complete trust in my body. I have no doubts I cannot do this. And absolutely no doubts that this will be the most beautiful thing in my life so far. I have no shame of showing myself in this state to my husband Sam. None. He has now become the one I want closest to me when all this happens. And I want to do it at home. I want the natural pace of the process to be respected. I want to be surrounded by people who trust, believe and know that a woman's body is more than capable of performing this act - as naturally as possible. Because this is the most natural thing.

So why is it so difficult to "come clean" about wanting and wishing for a planned home birth? Because people react so hard. And why do people react so hard? Is it the matter of safety? That is the first thing one gets asked/told. But if we put the topic of it being a safety issue aside for now, and let it rest on the fact that with every intervention done at a hospital (interventions you might never even come to second guess, as you already perceive them as a "natural" part of birth), there are risks as well. And if we respect the woman as much as to assume that she has done her homework - and her judgement based on that. (That she is healthy, in the risk free zone, close to a hospital and has expert and experienced help with her.) Then why is her choice frowned upon? Why does she get judged? Called irresponsible. Is it because a woman thinking outside the box (or hospital in this case), is a woman making things difficult by taking things into her own hands? By thinking for herself? Is she not capable of doing so? When a woman wants to know how her body works, be it through buying books, googling, taking childbirth classes, having a doula and/or a personal midwife (who, in some people's opinion, have the audacity of getting paid for their help) - that is not a woman who has lost the capability of thinking for herself, nor does it mean she has lost the capability of performing the most natural of things: giving birth (on the contrary - she wants to do it as well as possible - by herself). And those are not businesses ripping off vulnerable and pregnancy hormone confused women. These things empower the woman. So why do we belittle them? Knowledge is perceived as power in almost everything else - except for when a woman knows? Can a woman know?

I respect all that the doctors, nurses and midwives at the hospitals do. I just want to make that perfectly clear. This text has nothing to do with the place most women choose to give birth. That is everyone's right to choose for themselves. But this text is about how I, through the process of being pregnant, found a great discomfort in the role of the passive patient I was put in. After all, this is the most active, personal and hands on happening of my life. It is me, my body, and the little miracle growing her own life there inside. I would much appreciate my knowledge, judgement, intuition and choices being respected. As no one else is going to give birth to this girl but me.



September 20, 2016

How I found what I was looking for.

How I found what I was looking for. My work, my passion, my love, my life, my baby, my happiness.

Easy: What I feared the most, I ventured in to.

I know, the word 'easy' is easier said than done. But it's true. After coming this far, I can honestly say, that finding yourself, finding what you want in and out of life, is as "easy" as that: Follow your fears. What you fear the most, what your biggest insecurities are, are your own personal telltales on what direction to go towards. What to try, what to do, what you will be good at, what to dare.

I grew up creative. Creativity, drawing and painting is what I loved. What was my getaway, my sanctuary, my freedom. Yet, I always told myself I wasn't good enough. I didn't even see it as an option to support myself through doing it. I looked everywhere else for what to do in life - except for there. Because 'there' was filled with fear. 'There' was something I loved so much, something that made me so vulnerable, that I got scared of the thought of even trying. So it felt safer to keep it as a dream. As something others would be good enough to do... Until one day, life handed me the biggest blessing of all; a huge "fail" in life as I knew it, and I, through and thanks to that, got to feel how not so terrible, nor dangerous, a "fail" actually was. (More of a relief, in fact.) So through my weakness, in my newly found courage, I ventured into what I had always feared I would not be good enough to do: paint. And to show what I paint. And there I found myself. My pure self, my passion - me. A happiness I had never felt before. And a huge sensation of freedom. And through that, I found the me I could feel and be happy with. The me that could start to heal herself. Mend herself - by herself. The me that slowly began to learn not to rely on others to fulfill her. To not look in others for the sensation of safety, meaning of life, self-confidence and assurance. I faced my fear - and found nothing less than my calling. (One of them.)

So when one thing starts to feel genuinely good, it's hard to keep compromising in another. It was time for my relationships to feel as good as the rest of my life did.

I also grew up a people pleaser. What has felt and been the most difficult for me has been to express (and value!) my own needs, to speak my mind and to say 'No' when something hasn't felt good or right. I have been so afraid of rejection, of not making others happy, that I have not allowed myself to feel that I am just as important as the other. I put myself second to others, even to the ones that treated me bad (actually, especially to them). But so now I began to realize that feeling bad was something I did not have to live with (!). And slowly but surely I began facing my fears, which meant expressing my desires. I can tell you, it's quite hard at first. It's like the words are locked in your mouth, your tongue physically unable to say them. But the trick is to simply spit it out. Don't think, just do. Say it. And I did. All that I had never dared say or demand or stand behind before - I said. I wanted to be respected, supported, valued, heard, listened to and seen. And I meant it. And then, I had to have the courage to walk away from those who were not able to give it.

So with career, self-appreciation and -respect in place, romance, intimacy, family, love and motherhood - all still included a lot of fears. Because what happens when all of your life you've lived with the pattern of fighting for your partner's appreciation and love? That love, that appreciation, becomes what you fear the most. As that is the most unknown. And that I did. True intimacy was the scariest thing I could imagine, for that was something I had never experienced. True, pure, honest to god, vulnerable and open intimacy. And then this guy comes into my life, showers me with his kindness and pure appreciation. Really sees me, and wants to see me. And I fear him like a wild animal fears the warmth of a fire. Luckily, by this time life had shown and proven to me, that what I had feared the most, when ventured into, had brought me the most happiness in life. So I say 'Yes'. I slowly get closer and let him come closer (in retrospect, it wasn't that slow, but it did feel like it) - and my fears begin to release - opening up the door to nothing less but euphoria. To a peace I have never ever ever never ever felt before (no typo there, just wanted to make my point). And all falls into place. I don't fear romance, intimacy, becoming a mother or building a family anymore, because I dared open myself up to the absolute best man to do this all with.

They say 'Follow your dreams'. But if you don't know what your dreams are - as I didn't - then begin by following your fears. Dare recognize them, and then dare confront them. They will lead you to where you want to go. Your fears will lead you to yourself and to your dreams.



August 29, 2016

If you'd only change this one thing...

Are you in a relationship she says sucks because of you? Where everything that is wrong, is because of you. Where all would be different, where all would be good - if you'd only change this one thing...
Where instead of the love and support she says she's giving you, what you really feel is beaten down and just wrong. Like you never are good enough. And you question if you ever will be.

That's because (for her) you never will. She will never be completely content with who you are, with what you do, or what you don't do. As this is why she chose you. Because of how wrong you are. Because you can't get anything done. Because in you she'll always have someone to blame. And someone to save. She may fight and scream and talk and argue. Really seem like she's trying to find every solution for your relationship to work, possibilities for you to get better. But it won't. And you won't. Because that's the whole attraction. That's the whole point. That you are (and stay) worse off than her. That's what makes her feel safe - no matter how unsafe she might say you make her feel. Being with someone "worse off" than her, is what makes her fell good about herself. What distracts her from herself. It's what all of her life and all of her self worth revolves around: Being the stronger one. The better one. The one with her shit together. The one who is the considerate and reliable partner. The one doing it right. Your rock, your balance, your guide, your life line, your everything. All of her self worth comes from feeling she's better. How could she give that up?

So you can both continue to play this game. And maybe you, Mr can't-even-get-this-one-thing-right, actually will one day get it right and change this one little thing. But be sure, there will be more. Because at least one of you is an addict to the role she makes you give her. The role your flawed personality makes her take. The victim, the martyr, the one who loves you so much she'll suffer through it all. Because she knows unconditional love. Unconditional love for the one she spends all her time trying to change...



August 22, 2016

Just wait and see...

I want you to allow me to feel good. I want you to allow me to have my perfect, happy and harmonious life - without you telling me Just wait and see (or Let's hope it stays that way). I have "waited and seen" my whole life. And yes, things have happened - they always do! Because things are meant to happen. As that is what life is: Change. Life is growing and adapting, and living life - exactly that. So if we accept and respect and welcome this fact, this fact of life, if we stop trying to resist change and so desperately work on preventing things from happening, then this is when our life truly begins. This is when life starts feeling easy. Fun. Good. Exciting. As the mere meaning of life is to learn to be alive. And alive means growing with life. With its ups and its downs and all that pushes (and hopefully breaks) our boundaries. Change should not be scary. Change should be what we expect, what we hope for, something we embrace. As without change we stagnate. And with stagnation we slowly deteriorate. (I think that is why so many of us are uneasy and unhappy. We hide and run from change, terrified of what it could bring. We simply are bored with life and ourselves.)

So now I'm pregnant and surrounded by Just wait and see's. Just wait and see how this baby will change you. Just wait and see how she'll consume your lives. Just wait and see how she'll keep you from painting. How nights will be sleepless and calm mornings but a distant memory. Just wait and see - things will never be the same...

Well, of course they won't. That's not what I was expecting. That's not why I am expecting. I wanted change. I am choosing change. So why should I perceive these changes as something threatening? Why are you warning me about them? Of course she'll change our lives. But how is in the attitude we choose. Having her will not eliminate all I have at this time, but add to the life that I have at this time. And I can choose to see all she'll need as "taking". Or I can choose to see it as her giving. As her giving me the gift of evolving again. As her giving me the gift of changing. Thanks to her, I'll learn to be creative in new ways. Thanks to her I'll learn a new focus. Thanks to her I'll probably become even more efficient, as thanks to her I'll learn to paint with someone there. Thanks to her I'll have the same amount of time in a day, now multiplied with moments. And we will teach her what our mornings are for. And we'll embrace the change, not fight against and complain about the change.

So having her here will enable me to once again expand myself. To grow, to learn, to find new sides of myself. And that is why my life is so beautiful. Because no matter what comes my way - I love it and welcome it in my own way. I make it a part of my life, not the fight of my life. And this I always will. I do wait and see, but not through tension and horror. And our baby on the way, will never be a baby in the way.



August 16, 2016

Are your besties genuinely happy for you?

When things go your way, is your best friend genuinely happy for you? Do the words that come out of her mouth, truly match the rest of her being? Can you see it in her eyes, hear it in her voice - or does the effort behind her kind words simply seem like too much of an effort needed?
Is your gut telling you exactly this, but as she is your best friend, you choose to ignore it. To give her the benefit of the doubt. To believe her words - not her actions. And have you over time learnt to not make too much of a fuss of yourself. Have you learnt to dim yourself down - in order to make and keep her happy. To avoid any more of the awkwardness of you having to second guess your best friend's words.

Now replace your best friend with co-worker, partner, lover, family member, other friends. How does it make you feel to live with that around you? With people who do not support you. Who are not or cannot genuinely be happy for you. For I am sure you (and/or your gut) have stumbled upon it. There is even so much of it in our society, it is so common, that we most often don't even recognize it. Because this is the norm: We hate on the ones who have it "better". That's just the way it is. But why is that? And why is this okay? Why is it acceptable to not be happy for others? Why is it okay to "jokingly" say 'Oh how I hate you for having such a beautiful home/for going on your fabulous trips.' 'Oh no, you cannot lose weight, because that will make me feel bad about my weight.' 'You're so lucky/privileged it's unfair.'.... Why is this how we communicate? And how we feel. Why don't we demand more of ourselves - and of the people around us. Of society.

I had to drastically distance and isolate myself, in order to finally, truly be able to feel and to believe that it is my right to be happy. To have it good. Really good. That I don't have to feel ashamed for the beautiful home I live in (which, for the scepticts, is not because "daddy pays"). That I don't have to hide the fact that I feel good about myself. (I used to hate myself. I used to hide myself behind layers and layers of unhealthy habits, and I will not be expected to tone myself down after having broken free from that self-hate.) That I don't have to belittle the fact that my love life is like something out of the movies. That I know everything always will be more than right. And that my every single day looks and is exactly how I want it to look and be. These things are everyone's rights. And me having them is not away from anyone else.

Hard times brought me here, and hard times teach us. But that does not mean that we have to stay in the hard times. For there comes a time when enough is enough. When you have to learn what the hard times taught you - and move on. My hard times taught me that I do not have to be my friends', my lovers', my co-workers', my family members' nor any strangers' training wheels on the path to becoming a better person anymore. I learnt that wishing well for others needs to become a two-way street. And that it is up to each and every one of us to become the person who can feel happy for another. Who can thrive in another's joy - as genuinely as we already do in another's sorrow.



August 03, 2016

Stupid parents.

All parents feel protective. Every parent's main priority and instinct in life is to care for and to protect their child(ren). It's a force unlike any other. A force no one can come between. I'm sure every parent would agree with that.

Now imagine yourself going against this feeling. This instinct, this force, this conviction of what is right. What feels right. About what keeps your child safe. About what will keep your child healthy. What is best for your child.

Now realize, that it is exactly your opinion that determines what your choices are. An opinion based on what you read, have read, what has been said and told to you - proved to you. Your opinion is what governs your choice, your feeling, your intuition and your instinct. The force of your conviction.

Now appreciate, that the parents of a different opinion from yours, are no dumber than you. They are no more irresponsible than you. But in fact, they are equivalent to you: Doing and choosing what feels best, what feels right, what their instinct says is right - for their child(ren).

And if there comes a time when a parent might regret their choice (of for example not having vaccinated their child) - understand, that for every story of this kind, there is a story about those who did regret their choice to vaccinate. Cases where their offspring for the rest of their life (if they did not lose their life) will bear the consequences of their parents' choice. A choice made based on their parents' opinion...

So before you shout and scream and judge - and stupidify your fellow parents - try having some understanding. Try feeling some compassion, some tolerance. Try practising some respect. As it is exactly that respect for your opinion that you are so firmly demanding and standing behind. The right to choose for your child what in your opinion feels right.


Carolina. A mother-to-be.

July 29, 2016

Welcome to la-la land.

I read today, that in pursuing one's dream, sometimes isolation will be inevitable, as not everyone will understand the lengths one needs to go through in order to achieve that dream. I found it very on point, as that is an issue that, since deciding to actually live my dream, has affected my life. I have lost quite many friends since choosing to walk my own path. A subject that I have been struggling with to admit out loud, as one is not supposed to move on from friends, as friends are forever. But I have. And I guess I have all my life; moved on. Because all through my life, I have made it my goal to evolve. To get to know myself, to become a better me. The real me. And when we change, most often as do our surroundings. So once again, I have changed. I had to change, in order to reach my dream. Amongst other, I had to fight against my own preconceptions of "truths". Of how things "are" and how things "go", what is "possible" and what is "not". I have had to completely brake out of my box. A box I hadn't even realised I had put myself in to. I've fought with this to the extent, that additionally fighting against others' preconceptions, others' boxes, simply felt like too much, and not like something I wanted to do, or even try to do. Not anymore. (One of the hardest parts has been to recognize and respect my own feelings of what I want to do. We do so much just to please others, or simply to keep things the way they've always been.)

So I go through my isolation. I surround myself with only angels and quotes about clishés on how beautiful life can be. I dream of harmonious days with husband, baby, pink paintings and love. I push the buttons of every "realist" out there - living in my la-la land. But I am a realist. My la-la attitude is what has gotten me here. I am proof that la-la exists. And only thanks to la-la is all that I have possible. So believe in la-la. See your la-la. And la-la is what will be yours.

Good luck!

La-la love,


July 18, 2016

Keep a lid on it.

To share. To dare to share. To show oneself. One's work, one's thoughts, one's face, body, life. Especially one's beautiful life. Can be a challenge. Can feel scary and hard. For there's a silent shame in doing so. In "flaunting" what one has. Who one is. As one must not show too much...

I cannot count the times I've thought 'What will others think', when about to venture into something my way, when about to post or whilst posting a picture or publishing a thought. (Many times letting the fear take over and leaving it all unposted and unshared.) Because I know what us humans are like. We love pointing out the flaws of others. We love knowing better and being right. Diagnosing show off's and unhealthy habits. And most often we are superiour to the one who puts him/herself out there. The one who walks a different way. Their own way. Especially if they succeed.

I share quite alot with you guys. I have chosen that, and I enjoy it. I might seem strong and confident in doing so, but I have to admit that sometimes it terrifies me. Because in doing so, I open myself up to you all, known and unknown. Your thoughts, your whispers, your expectations and opinions. And that can be absolutely daunting. But it is also what keeps me going, what pushes me forward. As the fear of scrutiny and opinion is a hurdle I want to overcome. A fear I want to dissolve. I want to push the boundarie of insecurity in myself - and brake it. I want to keep being true to myself, and feel pride in doing so - no matter what others might think, say or feel. I want to not hold myself back, tone myself down or change because of others, to keep them comfortable with who I am or should be. Because we care too much. We care too much what others do, and we care too much what others think (about what we do). And I'm sure that we'll keep on doing so, for a long time still, and that's all fine. But what upsets me is, that for some reason there seems to be a limit on how much joy, love, beauty, success (and all other adjectives for good things) is acceptable to show, feel, share and have (whilst none for anguish and suffering). And in crossing that line, we become either too eager, naiveflaunting or narcissists. Why? Aren't these things exactly what we should and would need to support and be happy for these days? Good things! And in doing so, teach our children to be proud of their (and other's) happiness, proud of their (and other's) joy, proud of success and all other good. Not to keep a lid on it, like it's something to be hidden in shame.

There is enough hardship in this world already. And to on top of that build walls around pride, happiness and success - just makes me sad. To make succeeding, walking one's own way, dreaming and doing something about it, an issue of having to dare to do so, because of the fear of stepping on some sensitive spots of others. Of those who won't do, but will criticise. That's a wall I silently brake down every time I show myself. Every time I do things my way. And that's the wall I wish to have disintegrated by the time I start teaching my daughter about her endless possibilities in life. But until then, I'll dare. Because the only thing that keeps anyone from succeeding in anything, is daring to do so. And to do so with pride.

Yours truly,


June 18, 2016

To brake up with quantity.

So often we live with people in our lives that do not make us truly happy. People in whose company we don't really feel so good (at least not if we are completely honest with ourselves). But so often in our lives we stay there anyway, in this company/relationship, with these people - just for the habit of doing so, of always having done so. Or simply to avoid otherwise being alone... We settle and we complain, but then we never do anything about it.

I'm a loner in the sence that I truly love being by myself. I find my own company so good, that I've often felt that I could (and probably would) be happier alone than in the company I have chosen to be. But yet, I've been comfortable enough as to avoid the question of doing anything about it. Comfortable and scared of making a change. But one year ago life once again placed itself in front of me in such a way that I had no option but to wake up to this reality. I had to stop ignoring the facts that I wasn't completely happy and hiding behind good enough. Because good enough simply isn't good enough when one wants to make the absolute best of one's life. And there, I am hooked. I've made the descision and a commitment to live my dreams. And in my dreams, only the best is good enough. Why shouldn't it be?

When jumping into the unknown. When deciding that you are going follow your dreams, to for example make it in a field persieved as impossible - that demands alot from you. It's a descision that will affect every area of your life. Already the challenge of being so broke as to not have the means to buy a canvas to paint on (when a painted canvas is your livelyhood), is demanding enough. But the true challenge is hanging in there mentally and emotionally. To through these times continue to believe in oneself. So if you at this point do not have people around you who know how to support - then you'll make it all the harder on yourself. You might even lose your faith and give up. That's why, when jumping in, when following a dream, it is vital to become open to the effects relationships have on you. To dare see how they affect your heart, your soul, your emotions, your mind, your personal growth and most of all your belief in yourself.

They say it's through crisis you know who your true friends are. But I think supporting someone in a time of crisis is easy, as most people find comfort and relief in knowing that someone is worse off than they are. But to support and root for someone living and following their dream, someone who feels alive and absolutely loves their life no matter what bank account says - that's when you will recognize the true ones.

One will never know the price one is paying for settling - be it in job, home, partner(s), friends, acquaintances, company - until one dares to be honest with oneself and take the consequences of that reality. It takes making to respect oneself a priority. The priority. To dare face the challenges change always brings. The objections and the disappoitments of other people, the living through times alone. But I've been through enough. I've already seen so much as to know that what lies ahead will only and always be better. So go brake up with quantity. Devote yourself to quality. And I promise, your life will never feel richer.



June 11, 2016

Bitching about the weather: My complaint.

Finland has just experienced the warmest May in 55 years. Then, "out of nowhere", comes a couple of days of rain, the temperature drops down to colder than record warm - and what happens? People immediately start to complain. To point out how terrible the Finnish summer can be. Makes me thunderstruck. So thunderstruck, that in an effort of trying to understand this behaviour, I had to google why people complain.
Here's a couple of quotes I found:

 Why do people complain?
"First of all, most people don't realize how often they complain because it has become a habit and, like all habits, it tends to be so familiar that it becomes invisible. Secondly, most people feel that it's a good conversation starter because it's easier to find common ground by complaining."

Why do people complain about the weather?
"I think what you have to realize is that talking about the weather isn't really about the weather, it's about talking."

I think so too. Because what can one possibly gain from complaining about the weather? Does one think it will make the weather change? Will the complaining make one's day nicer? (No.) Or is it simply because one has nothing else to say? Seems so, as everyone knows the weather is not up to us humans to regulate. And the only thing one does by complaining is deciding not to enjoy what is.
And why do we feel the need to unite through negativity? Why is it so difficult to focus on and talk about the good things? On all that a cold, rainy, windy summer day enables us to do? I made a list, if you yourself can't find anything good about these kinds of days:

1. Sleep in longer (with a good conscience)
2. Stay in bed all day
3. Read a book (all day)
4. Make hot chocolate
5. Bake
6. Wear that perfect Iceland outfit, starring a warm, winter sweater with shorts and rubber boots
7. Take a long, romantic walk in the rain while waiting for the sauna to warm up
8. Go to the movies in the middle of the day
9. Play board games
10. Clean out your wardrobe
11. Go shopping
12. Write down your thoughts
13. Do something creative
14. Build a fortress
15. I could go on forever

Nature needs balance. And balance for nature means rain mixed with sun. Balance for nature means different temperatures. What nature is, is a variety of different weather. So seriously. Try to fill your life with other things than complaining about the weather. After all, we are so lucky as to live in a society where we have this thing called clothes. Clothes mean we can adapt to different weather - easily. So if you're cold - get dressed. A perfect summer is completely up to you. To what you decide to make of it. What options you see and find. Rain or shine. Just as life itself. And if that tan is everything, then Finland is the wrong country to be in. And there is always the option of moving to a warmer climate. A climate where one thinks one will have no reason to complain. But one thing I am sure of, and that is that if we were to have a two-month-long hot spell - no rain, no clouds, nature drying out and dying - one would find this a reason to complain. So stop complaining, and try to enjoy the different variety of life the change of weather is offering you.



June 05, 2016

She takes selfies.

I do. And I am awfully happy about that. I used to hate my body. I used to hate almost everything about the way I looked. All I saw in pictures were flaws. Everywhere and in everything. All the failed pictures matching the perception I had of myself. Ugly. Not good enough. And then I started taking selfies. The beginning was shy and every picture made my heart beat a little bit faster. For only one successful frame the pictures taken were hundreds. Most of which completely awkward. As awkward as I felt. But all that was needed was that one. That one good one. One picture that could prove my outlook wrong. And all it took to find that one was to learn my angles. To recognise the right light. And the good ones started increasing and the process becoming more fun. I began to understand my body. Like strangers we met in the process of getting to know one another. Bit by bit, angle by angle - and soon I had fallen in love. (It's funny, as writing that triggers shame in me. Somewhere I fear that you who are reading this will find me full of myself. For loving myself...) Anyways, I had woken up to the fact that beauty is but in the angle one looks from. I had learnt to like myself - through looking at myself. I was now looking to find beauty - and had therefore found it. So without even realising, I had changed my whole outlook on life. And I was finally loving myself.

So thank god for selfies. And thank god I chose to not let the opinions or comments of others, the thoughts about selfies equalling narcissism or extreme vanity, shut me down. We are curious beings. That is our nature. We are meant to know ourselves. And we are meant to love ourselves. So for you who frown upon others taking selfies, I recommend you this: Try it. Give yourself a shot at finding yourself beautiful. Play with yourself, find your angle. Feel the freedom a good picture gives you. You do not need to post, simply keep it for yourself, as your own little secret. And I hope that through doing this, you will realise that a good selfie can be so much more than just vanity or a picture. It can be you finally looking at yourself through the eyes of your admirer. It can be a healthy romance between you and yourself. The beginning of a beautiful and happy relationship. For life.

Love (thyself),


May 31, 2016

Why I was easy.

A couple of days ago I woke up to the harsh reality that I am not a person who thinks from a source of gender equality. In fact, the inequality is so deeply rooted in me, that I sometimes don't even recognise it for what it is. But I am a lucky one. I share my life with someone who wakes me up to this reality. Who hears when I speak against myself. When I suppress my own gender. When I unknowingly disrespect myself, and all women - all while strongly speaking for equal rights.

It's a jungle growing up. We all know that. And I grew up as a girl on her way to becoming woman. A woman I thought should be and act a certain way, in order to be a good woman. The right kind of woman...

What we do as children is follow patterns. We do and act according to what we feel will be accepted, respected and most of all: loved. I don't know where my view of what a woman should be like came. Did I hear it, did I see it, did I experience it, feel it, was I taught it? I don't know, but this was rooted in me: that women wanting too much are difficult. Full stop. End of discussion. Simply difficult. And for a child difficult is not accepted. For a child difficult often means unlovable. And just as anyone and probably everyone else, I wanted to be loved. I wanted to be loved, appreciated and respected. So I worked hard at avoiding the label of being difficult. And so little by little I became easy. And I did a lot in order to be easy. I compromised everything from thoughts, feelings, opinions, wants and desires - all the way to my own body. In the earlier years it was to be able to be like one of the boys - as a woman with the attempt of keeping and/or pleasing a man. I did not see the world through my own eyes, but through the convenience of the man. Now plenty of you may react to this. Thinking things are not really like this. But plenty of you did not grow up as me. And I am 100% sure that I am not alone in this behaviour or in these thoughts. I am also 100% sure that the inequality that still strongly lives in our society is not only because of the man and the attitude of men. It is also because so many of us women don't even realise the way we are treating ourselves. What we think of ourselves and other women. What we do in the search for love. How we mold ourselves. What we compromise in order to keep the peace. To get the respect. This is where it all goes wrong; that we think that we need to change or be a certain way in order to be loved and treated equal. For by doing that, by changing and/or compromising who we are, we as well uphold the walls of inequality.

I am not being "easy" anymore. I have stopped persieving my own feelings, needs, wants and opinions as trespassing. To express oneself is not to be difficult (!!). This I've really had to tell myself. And never in my life have I been so loved. So appreciated and so respected. Because never in my life did I love, appreciate and respect myself as much as I do now. That's why never in my life did I think I was good enough to be with someone whose values, whose heart and whose love is as good as the purest of golds.



May 20, 2016

To look like this.

To be 34 and pregnant. To simultaneously go through two things that change one's body. Stressful for many. At least according to what one reads, sees and keeps on hearing. So much talk about changing bodies. About pre and post child figure, breasts, butt, thighs... And with all this comes sooo, so many wishing and hoping and yearning and yelling for that body they once used to have. Not the body they have. But I know so, so many who never were happy when they did have the body they're wishing for now. Who, whatever they had or all that they have, always seem to find something else that would be better. A constant focus on what is missing. What is too big, what is too small, what is too heavy, too saggy, too perky, too tight. Of course - it is good to take care of one's body, but to put our whole worth and all this time on the way we look - not so good. In fact more harmful than good. It makes us spend a whole lifetime dissatisfied. Never content with what is; fearing what lies ahead. We become torn between the past and our future, therefore missing the whole point of why we live. We have such a hard time accepting ourselves. Accepting things that make us unique. Just because (we think) we're not "perfect".

I've let the obsession and stress over my looks take up a big enough part of my life already. Having now reached the point where the beauty of life is beginning to leave its marks and memories, writing its story on my skin, taking shape in the forms of my body - and now with the magic of having become a temple for a little one's growth - I don't want to spend my time thinking nor talking about pre or post pregnancy body. I want to be what I am - exactly at this point in time. Without the stress of what I might have looked like or what I might become. I want to let the result of this journey be. To gracefully respect what life is: change. Change in heart, change in mind, change in spirit and change in body.



May 08, 2016

She dances in the dark.

Four years ago my mum had a terrible Mother's Day. She witnessed as her daughter's life fell apart. She sat there in the midst of her daughter's desperation - caring for her, comforting her, giving her remedies to help her find even a single moment of release. I cannot even imagine how she must have felt witnessing all of that. Seeing the emptiness, the confusion, the panic and the immense sorrow in her daughter's eyes. Knowing what her daughter would now have to go through: The loneliness and sadness of a betrayed and broken heart. The reality of having been put aside, of a future all of a sudden gone. Of trust abused and mistreated. She would have to mend it all. To get back on her feet, to trust and to rebuild her whole reality.

But she saw her daughter rise from the ashes. She saw her mend her broken heart, her be tender to its bruises. She witnessed her daughter get back on her feet and build her whole new life. She saw her never lose hope and never second guess reality. And everything that she now had the chance to abandon - her trust in good, her belief in people - she chose to hold on to even more tightly. She found her love for the experience. For what it gave her, for all it opened up in and for her. And through it all she felt an immense gratitude to the reason of it all. She saw her daughter not defeated but stronger than ever. How she dared go through it, be true to herself, and finally find the peace and happiness that now shines in her eyes.

Four years ago, what was my mum's worst Mother's Day, was in reality the biggest blessing of them all. It was the day that all my mother is, and all that she has taught me - about life, about its path, about trust and about faith, about forever remaining true to the belief in good - was finally put into force. It was the the day that all the seeds my mother had planted along my path found their life and finally got to bloom and to blossom.

Love you, mamma. Och tack. ❤️


April 28, 2016

Ex's and benefits.

Relationships come with ex's. Beautiful ex's, handsome ex's, successful ex's, haunting ex's. Ex's that make the present ones fight within themselves, battling with the image of how it was compared to how it now is. Ex's with striking Instagram accounts, that make you question who you are compared to all of that...

Ex's will always have the benefit of having been there before you. Of sharing something special, of having created something intimate - with the one that you now love. Memories, fights, reactions that you'll never know about. All with the one who now has your heart. You can choose to be afraid of all they had. To feel the intimidation of their unknown. Of everywhere they went, of all that they experienced, of every Sunday walk they took. You can choose to compare yourself to the other, to dream up their past reality. His feelings when he was with her. What he thought when he looked at her. What it was that once made him fall in love with her... But the truth is: No matter what they had, you gained from them having it. They shared something both of them needed to go trough - together. Your loved one would not be where he is nor who he is if it wasn't for his ex('s). It is your present that benefits from their shared past.

So cherish the ex's, as they helped carry and lift him here - to the level that you are now enjoying. To the sides that you, in this time, fell in love with. To the timing that suited you both. Be thankful and be grateful - and no matter what they went through, respect what once was. Simply stop the insecurity of comparing. After all, you would not want to be her. You would not wish to have what they had. As with being and having all of that - you would now be your loved one's ex.



April 23, 2016

I planned none of this.

All of a sudden I am sharing a home with someone, am engaged after 4,5 months, getting married in a couple of them and expecting a child within six. None of this I planned. And I never planned for it all to happen at once. To be doing it all at once. What will there be to look forward to after all of this has taken place?

E v e r y t h i n g .

There is not a fixed amount of things that bring us happiness in life. But we easily live accordingly. We live for these certain happenings that will give us the feeling of meaning, purpose and happiness. Something to look forward to, something to dream about, to work for, to wait for... Things that after achieving we feel empty, with only the fondness of memories to look back on and remember. Yes, these things are beautiful and wonderful and all of the adjectives to those. But they are not all there is. Every day, every minute, every second, has something in it that we can experience. Opportunities approaching, doors opening, windows closing. It's happening all the time. But if we put all our hope, our time and our value into these grand moments in life, if we plan too much ahead, we will miss out on all the rest. All the unexpected opportunities. We will become blind to any other possibilities around us. To anything more for us.

So while doing it "all" at once I am not afraid there will be nothing more to look forward to afterwards. I am not afraid that the near future can hold nothing more that will rock my world equally much as these things have and do. On the contrary - I know there are endless experiences continuously coming my way. All I need is to continue keeping my eyes, my ears and especially my heart open. As open as it was when it welcomed the unexpected magic of Sam into my life, the peace of our home, the uniting of families and soon the beauty of a sweet, little someone.

If you want to live a life that is more than you ever could have expected - then allow for the unexpected to appear.

Love, love, love,


April 16, 2016

Losing friends and growing pains.

Our lives are a direct reflection of what we believe about ourselves. Our worth, our value, our belief in our own potential.
Ask yourself: are you happy or are you bitter? Is your life standing still or are you moving forward? Who are you sharing your life with? Does this person or these people make you happy? What are you doing with your time? What are your trials, your challenges, your victories? And last but not least: how do you feel about other people's happiness and/or success? When it comes to showing happiness and/or success, are you on the giving or the receiving end of "Don't show too much", "Do not succeed too well", "Don't be too happy" or you will remind me of everything I lack in my life? The answer to this one will pretty much determine how you truly feel about your life. You can fool yourself in all of the other questions, but not when it comes to how you feel about other people. How you feel about others is how you feel about yourself. If you do not truly wish others well, you will not do well yourself.

So many of us fall into the first category, where instead of sucking it up and taking responsibility for our own happiness in life we try to keep those around us equally un- or moderately happy. Or at least keep them from showing their happiness too much. We don't want them to be too happy for their happiness or believe in their success too much. We may even look down at the happy ones for having the audacity to be flaunting their goods around and making us feel bad. And often remind them of how unfair it is that they simply are so lucky. That everything seems to be so, so easy for them.

We choose to do all of this because unhappiness - or moderate happiness - is safe. It's safe to always have something to complain about. Something that is always someone or something else's fault. Yes, the thought of life not being up to us is comforting, but it's not the truth. Life is up to each and every one of us. We are all dealt different hands, but it is up to us how we choose to use these hands. With what attitude we choose to see our chances. If the comfort of non-responsibility is what we will choose, then fine. But let's not be bitter at the ones who dare go outside of it. Or try to keep them down. Let's not expect of our close ones - or even of strangers - to stay where we choose to be in order to keep us feeling sort of safe. I believe true happiness and success come through discomfort. The discomfort of growing. But that's what growing is: uncomfortable and even painful. But always worth it. No one wants to stay a baby for the rest of their lives (I think). We are here to grow. And growing means reaching and therefore achieving more. We only have to dare to live in and with discomfort for an undetermined while. With the awkwardness that is change. To not hold on to what once was, but to allow the possibility and almost certainty of growing pains. We may lose some friends, family, partners or jobs, but for everything we lose there will be more to gain. "No pain, no gain." There's truth to every cliché out there.

Lots of xoxo,


February 28, 2016

Words from a new generation: Self-sacrifice is not a virtue.

 I do not believe in self-sacrifice. I do not believe there is good in sacrificing oneself for others. A promise can easily be made, but to keep a promise  - one might have to self-sacrifice. And to brake a promise might be staying true to oneself. Basically a promise cannot be held without the possibility of a future self-sacrifice. So to promise to always stay together - without knowing what lies or may not lie ahead - that is a promise I will not make.

I am but 34, but behind me I already have a whole other lifetime. I have already led the life of self-sacrifice. I have already experienced where thinking of oneself is selfish and sacrificing oneself considered virtue. I've lived it to the extent that I now know it is not the right way for me. It was not a happy life. It was not a life where I felt free. It was a life where I did not feel like my own. Life simply did not feel like the limitless gift it is. But what I saw were souls held prisoner to promises. Promises made from ancient expectations and beliefs of virtue. All for the good of holding together a relationship. Never for the good of oneself.

Twice I needed surgery. Twice my body screamed so loud. I was suffocating myself. Disappearing from inside. I am lucky enough to have led and awoken from that, already at this age. For I now know my truth. I now know what makes me happy. What truly feels right. And all of this I found from finding out what was not right. My truth is to be true to myself. To love and to respect myself. To therefore keep myself healthy, happy and feeling free. I realise these words can easily be misread and/or misunderstood, as words like 'free' and 'me', are words many are deeply afraid of and/or recent when it comes to relationships. I have been called selfish for talking and thinking like this. Maybe someone might think I am not in it to win it. But I know my truth. I know what 'free' means to me. I know that a promise not made is a life honoured and a person respected. I know that being true to myself, is the only way I can be my true self to another person. And that the the people who truly love me will want nothing less. I know that I am strong enough to listen to my heart and not to my fears. And I know that only - only - by "allowing" and wishing for a person to feel free and to stay true to themselves, will I have the true pleasure and absolute honour of seeing and experiencing the best of this person. The truest of this person. And for a person I love with heart and soul, I would want nothing less.

This is my virtue.

True love,


February 26, 2016

So flawed. So perfect.

What is 'perfect'? Something without flaws? What are flaws? Something that doesn't match our expectations? And then what are expectations? The truth, or our wish of what should be truth? No harm in wishing. None at all. But when things don't go the way we hoped they would, there is always a reason for that.

I have two tattoos. A star and the word 'magic'. Neither of them are "perfect". Inked to my skin forever - and flawed. When 'magic' turned out bad, even after I went to fix it, I chose to allow that to be what was supposed to be. I knew there was a reason, but a reason I just hadn't figured out yet. I now wear a precious ring on the finger that holds my 'magic', so yesterday I was asked if the flaws that my tattoo still holds continue to bother me. And they did a little. Until yesterday, they did. But today I fell in love. Today I got its meaning. I looked at my 'magic' and something in me said: "Even if it is not perfect, it still is magic." Magic is still magic, even if it's not what I expected it to be. A star is still a star, even if it is not what I expected it to be. And there it is: my whole life philosophy in one. There are no such things as flaws, simply altered reality. I choose to see life, its experiences, its challenges and its hurdels with joy. For what it is, what it wants, what it needs and is meant to be - is exactly what it will be. In all its perfect imperfections. But I have not always lived like this. And when I didn't, all I had was disappointments. All I felt was suffocation and stagnation, as my expectations were suffocating life, and therefore slowly suffocating me.

Now I am engaged - to this perfect man. ;) And what my promise to this man is and will be, is that I will allow life to be exactly what it wants, is meant, and needs to be. Always - and for both of us. I am therefore getting married without the promise of an earthly forever. For the only thing that can truly be forever is love. And love can be shown - love is shown - in so many different ways. Love can be the crisis that awoke you. Love can be the hurt that made you change your life. Love can be the stroke that soothes you, the kiss that awakens you. All of this is love. And in all of its perfection, it is the most imperfect thing.

So love. Always.



February 24, 2016

True little devils.

Are you a true little devil - or just a figment of what I truly believe. A mirror to the shadows in me, an ambassador of my deepest of fears. I hate you but I love you, for in you I can blame it all. I can hang you and forget you. But then true little devils somehow always reappear.
But if you listen to your devil, shed light on why she's here. Then your true little devil will now be your truest virtue. And your true little devil will hereby forever disappear.

Listen, love, learn.


February 21, 2016

My family of magic.

Magic is made in an orange pealed, on the frozen water of a crispy winter day. Of a candle-lit breakfast in the midst of dark December rains. A brake in the sun, an unexpected hug - an awakening to the beauty of life.

There are endless dimensions to every moment. In every angle of life. My pockets weigh heavy of magic. My life speaks heavy of its truth. In my family of magic, we had a lot of what everyone goes through. We were lucky, we were blessed, we fought and we divorced. But the sun that shone on our faces, the warmth of those magical moments, are what grew to be the flame of this life. The place from where I shine through. For beauty cannot reach us, if beauty is not what we see. And magic cannot be reality, if magic is not what we believe.

In my family of magic, life is what we had. And magic where its dimensions were made.

To mamma, pappa, Tofi and Fredi.

Love you all,


February 18, 2016

When it all goes bad.

Things happen. To all of us. Life happens. To all of us. For some, life is unfair. For some, everything and everyone is forever against them. Especially the ones they've given the most to. These become the truly ungrateful ones.

For others, life is always fair. For others, where everything goes bad, lies the greatest of possibility. The best of chance. For others, life is opportunity - not circumstance. There are lessons - not blame. Responsibility - not victimhood. And when some meet others, some will eventually find fault in what they see. Flaws in how others are. And some will attempt to change others. To turn others around. To make others into what some say is right. And when some do not succeed, some will feel fury and anger. And some will then attack. Some will call others ignorant, stupid, incapable and immature. Ungrateful and unfair. But some will only do this, for this is all that some know of. Of all that others are forever and always doing that is wrong.

Some love,


January 24, 2016

All the men that treated me badly.

Worry never helped no one. But I worried for how they treated me. All the men that treated my badly. For all they took for granted. The good they did not see. The care they did not value. The worry they did not feel. Oh, the hours I spent swimming there. In the pool of being mistreated. I dove, I drowned, I fought to surface. Simply to drown again. I cried what felt like oceans. And I blamed it all on them. Until the ocean reflected in me the attire which I wore. Head to toe in diving gear. Beautiful snorkel and all. It was a sight not easy to see. That I had been the one there swimming. Equipped and ready to take some more, martyr cloak to make me tall. I did not choose to strip and rise, but to snorkel and dive and call it drown. For all the worry, all the blame, all the hours I spent there swimming. I used as grounds of escaping myself. My fear of walking on naked land.
Worry never helped nobody. But I worried for how they treated me. I swam in the pool of constant mistreatment. On a blissful holiday - away from myself.

Swimming in the ocean now.



January 21, 2016

Saints and victims doing it.

Quietly, graciously, fairy like they dance. They dance the dance of subtle blame. They trip around in a glory of guilt. Poor little dancers, mere victims of other's behaviour. For you do not know how to love them. How you are is what makes them hurt. Of the wrong that lives in your being. Of your choices that batter them down. They'll tell you how you should be. What you need to come to be better. Never meaning but to heal you. To mend your broken ways. And if what they say does hurt you. If what they do leads you astray. Then that is your mere misconception. An illness that you portray. But your relentless misunderstanding will be a burden they'll sacrifice to carry. The bullet they're ready to take. For all they are is innocent dancers. Forever victims of your ways. And all they did, they did for you. All they said, they said for you. Quietly, graciously, fairy like they dance. The innocent dance of such subtle blame.

(When everything is everybody else's fault, whose fault is it then really?)



January 16, 2016

For the greatest of courage, is the one of facing oneself.

For the fear that took over, for the heart that broke. For how lost you became, I will make it all count. I will cherish what you've gone through. Make your life my guiding star. Your good has given me my courage, your bad my knowledge of a greater self. And even though you may not know it, you have done what most will never venture. What most will circumvent. You have shown the greatest of courage, you have been the greatest of strengths. You have mended what was a broken heart, you have changed the course of what had become a life. Under a sky of stars you dared accept the truth that lingered. Under a sky of stars you let all be what it needed to be. You faced what was, you tasted your poison. And without blame, without victims, without the escape of explanation, you gathered the courage and you faced yourself. From that moment on all became forgotten. From that moment on a new life had now begun. So for the fear that took over, you have shown the best of courage. For the heart that was broken, you have mended a soul. For how lost you became, you have shown a new dimension. So for all that you've done, for all you never got to, I will make all of it count. I will mend, I will love, I'll show courage, I'll inspire. I will cherish what we've gone through and I'll look to the stars. For in the stars is where I finally found you. In the stars is where you faced yourself.

Greatest of love,


January 15, 2016

Yes, I'm happy now.

Hello, my little one. I hear you are on your way now. When and how remains a mystery. But when and how is always worth the wait. I see you in my dreams, my dear. I am holding you already. My anticipation has grown great, my dear. And my love already greater. I almost thought I wouldn't reach this place. I almost thought my destiny was another. But so much can happen in a second, my dear. Life can be changed in a heartbeat. Your father has helped me make it here. Your father's is the love that helped me reach this. His is the love that turned me inside and out. The love I knew I desired. I know not of a kinder soul, than the one of your father, my dear. Of a more caring, gentle and loving heart. He is the greatest man I know, my dear. So strong in his calm, so true in his composure. It did take me some time to make it here, my dear. To make it to where he could see me. But bumps and hurdles are there to be gone through, my dear. Paths for us to follow. So be patient when you arrive, my dear. Be patient and allow for your timing. For you will reach the place that is meant for you. You'll reach it when you get there. Until then, hold on to faith, my dear. Until then, know that we'll be happy. We'll love, we'll laugh, we'll even learn to dance, my dear. For one day we know you'll be there. One day we know you'll be there and come running.


January 09, 2016

What if... I knew the secret to a happy life.

" It's better to regret what you did,
than to forever live with the what if. "

Such an innocent sentence. Spoken, during class, by a girl of maybe sixteen. I bet you did not imagine the effect your words would come to have on me. I bet you did not think that I from that point on would live my life according to them. And that I never in my life again would feel regret. That is quite an effect to have on a person. And that is quite the gift. 

You knew he was what he was. And you told me all about it. But you did not try to prevent or protect me. Instead, you offered me the chance to live. He was my life's first potential regret - until your words hit me - and he became my life's first rebellion against myself. Against the cautiousness I had lived with. My dear, during class, in a whispering voice, you gave me the gift of looking back at my life. From then on, I knew the only thing I would ever regret would be leaving a trail of what if 's behind me. That the only mistakes I could ever make would be not daring. Leaving things undone.

So when I was about sixteen years old, I found the source to a fulfilling life. It's in the ability to see the good and the bad as equally right. In the courage that comes with that. It's in not letting the fear of an unknown end result determine the choices we make. That folks, is my little secret to a happy life. And that folks, is what will forever keep us young. 

To Ticke.