My previous text was a very difficult one for me to post. My feelings and thoughts concerning my wish for a home birth, are feelings and thoughts I thought long and hard on ever even revealing - to anyone. What finally triggered me into writing was some comments I read about how doulas, private midwives, childbirth classes and so forth, are but a way to take advantage of, manipulate and make good business off women whose brains and judgement are mushed by pregnancy hormones. Comments and views like that are so incredibly demeaning - to everyone involved - and really make my blood boil. So I decided I wanted to not hide my thoughts and wishes concerning this matter anymore, but proudly stand for what I believe in - even if it does not correlate with the public opinion. I must tell you, it's not easy to share an opinion out of the ordinary, as so often when someone raises a question, expresses an opinion or thought out of the norm, it is taken as criticism and/or ungratefulness - even stupidity. It's very easy to be bullied by these into simply keeping one's mouth shut, or just going with the flow.
In whatever I write, my intentions are never to insult, judge or criticize anyone. These are merely my personal thoughts, feelings and opinions, which we all have our right to, and I equally respect thoughts, feelings and opinions different from my own. I see myself as a smart, thinking woman, who weighs her options, does her research (not only the one that corresponds with my own point of view), listens to her gut, and thereafter: draws her own conclusions. If my choice then differs from the masse's, does that really mean I am not capable of drawing conclusions and making my own (valid) decisions? Why should I have to go with the flow? Has that ever been a good thing; when people are not allowed to think for themselves?
One other reason why making my thoughts, opinions, feelings and values public feels difficult at times, is because I have the remains and history of a people pleaser in me. With having lived the way where my own well being and feelings always came second, simply to keep others happy, now posting things that might not make people around me (known or unknown) happy, stretches my area of comfort quite a lot. There's still the person in me that simply wants to keep everyone happy, not push the boundaries, not press any buttons. Of course, this trait is a good one; to take others into consideration, and that is something I will never lose - but all in healthy moderation and balance.
So being an ex people pleaser, and someone who still from time to to time battles with recognizing when falling into that trap - when I do choose something for myself, when I do stand up for myself, even the slightest hint of being thought of, suggested or told off as therefore being ungrateful or selfish, is really hard for me to hear. For I am so glad and proud that I've finally found the power to speak my mind, to make my own decisions - and to stand behind them. And I know my intentions have never been, never are and never will be to hurt others. I have simply finally allowed myself the right and respect to be true to myself. To not be guilted, bullied or manipulated into doing as is most convenient for others. To see and recognize when someone is trying to do so. This is why, even if it is not meant with harm, even if it is a comment unheard by the speaker - when the slightest indication or mention of the words ungratefulness, selfishness or irresponsibility pops up in a situation where I see myself or someone else simply making their own choice and decision, I get extremely protective. Because this is one of the ways people pleasers are made: by hearing they are ungrateful, selfish or difficult when choosing for or listening to themselves. You, me, and everyone else, have the equal right to choose exactly what feels best and right for us. No one has the right to bully, manipulate, convince or guilt us into choosing or doing something we don't want, simply because it accords with their personal opinion, fear or need for control. Because when someone wants you to do something their way, that's exactly what it is; their fear that you might otherwise choose differently, their fear of losing control - over you and/or the situation. They are not respecting your right to choose for yourself. We really need to start respecting and trusting each other more. We seem to have such a difficult time with trusting and respecting other people's skill to draw their own conclusions and make their own decisions. Trying to control other people's opinions and/or choices through guilt, manipulation or strength is not the way to go. It's not the way with your partner, it's not the way with your friends, it's not the way with your family, co workers, strangers - anyone. (And it's certainly not the way with an expecting woman whose motherly instincts have started to come awake...) So just as it does not make me ungrateful if I say 'No thanks' to an ice cream offered to me, or choose to go to hairdresser A instead of B. Just as it does not make me ungrateful for my (first) nurse simply because my opinions and/or values don't accord with hers, it does not make me ungrateful for the health care or hospitals we have in Finland by wishing for the setting of my own home or believing in first trying it the natural way. When it comes to my heart, my health, my values, my hair, my life - I have the full right to choose who and what ever correlates with what feels best for me. And no one should have to feel that my choices are me stepping on their toes - simply because I chose to not walk their way.
Love,
Carolina
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