August 18, 2015

Wrinkle, wrinkle little star.

I am a woman of 33,5 years. 25 of which I have spent hating myself. Hating and ashamed of the body I had been given. Already self-conscious as a three-year-old little girl, hating her large knees. May sound ridiculous to some, but my hate and shame for this particular body part haunted my existence. And this self-consciousness, this harsh self-critique, followed me around and determined my whole youth, taking control of every aspect of my life. I would avoid going out and living, in order to stay deep inside the darkness of myself hating who I was. Disgusted by every inch of me. And if I did get out with the happy and the living, all my energy - the whole experience - would be overshadowed by my fear of someone looking at me and realising the disgust I was. This is what I thought of myself.
    It took for me to turn 28 years old, when one day - as I was bending down blow-drying my hair - I caught a glimpse of my knees and it was like seeing them for the first time. Time stopped. Because after 25 years of seeing them one way, I suddenly could find nothing wrong with them. They were simply knees. My knees. My beautiful, strong knees. The same knees my father has. Oh my god, the feeling when you are finally free from a self-hatred you've carried on for so many years. It's like exhaling after holding one's breath for a quarter-century! In an instant I became light as a feather. Air reached my cells and gave new life to the stagnated body I had trapped myself in to. I felt the freedom of a huge releaf.
    I believe that everything we go through in life is for our best. With every experience, good or bad, we can choose to make the best out of it and grow into being even better human beings. I wouldn't want to change a single thing I've gone through, none of the years of me hating myself. But I would like to share what my experience of years and years of being steered by this overwhelming feeling of shame has taught me:
    Life without the stress of putting one's value as a human being into one's body is a life worth experiencing.
    It took me years to get to the bottom of my self-hatred, and from there a journey up to the surface of myself. But it was so worth it. I still have the same knees I was born with, I still have my easily strechmarkable skin type, my fluffy hairs on my lower back (yes, I am pointing them out to you right now!) and my father's big toes. But to me those things are not problems anymore. They are not what define me as a human being. But they are what sets my body aside from everybody elses. What makes me carved out in my own way. They are what makes me a little bit imperfect. And we all need to allow ourselves to be imperfect. Because pure perfection is dull. It's the beauty of our flaws that perfect us. That make us who we are. So if we learn to love what is our weakest point, we will thereby strip the weakness of its power, and we ourselves will become strong.
    So this is to the love I feel for my wrinkles of a woman of 33,5 years. Let them wrinkles wrinkle and them eyes twinkle. 

Bisous darlings.



August 14, 2015

My furry disguise.

When I was young, I was so quiet that people would forget I existed. It was a lonesome world, but so safe. There was only me and my thoughts. My eyes on everyone else. My ears listened, and I answered within myself. Noone knew my world, what I was thinking. Nor what I felt. I was so shy I would blush if someone even looked at me. Attention was something I didn't know how to handle. I couldn't even understand why I would have it; why someone would want to look at me. Or hear me. Noone had access to me - except for my dog. My dog got to see me. Got to know me. Got to hear me. I allowed only my dog to love me. Now, facing the feeling that I soon need to throw away my dear Doni's stuff, since it will be a month from his passing, I am faced with the reality that what worked as my safety wall when I was young, has served as my furry disguise several years later still. Because without him I'm faced with the truth that I once and for all need dare let human beings get close and love me. And that's the scariest thing I've ever had to face.
    I know I'm not alone with this fear. And I know animals are a great part of our lives. But they, and the unconditional love they embody, can also be a great disguise for us to hide behind and find safety in. I need to get out there now.

For my Doni.



August 05, 2015

Welcome to the jungle.

Advice. To take or not to take other people's advice. Which advice to listen to and which to ignore. Is a jungle. Until you learn how to separate the good advice from the bad. There is so much bad advice out there. Most of it is bad, and that's what makes it feel like a jungle. I'm all for learning from other people and other people's experiences - but not when the advice tells me everything I can't do. To teach someone what is not possible is not wisdom or experience. It is fear. And it is excuses. Because there is nothing in this world that is not possible to do, achieve or attain. There are only opinions on what is or is not possible. And an opinion is merely a thought. And a thought holds just as much power as you give it. So why give it the power to restrict you, when you could give it the power to free you? Seriously.
    We seem to live in a society where the ones who tell us what is not possible are the credible ones. Like they hold the wisdom and knowledge to the reality of life. And the ones who believe in the greater good, in change based on positivity and huge, beautiful dreams, are perceived as the naive ones who sadly just don't understand the reality of this world. What a small world it would be if all the truth and power was in the impossible...
    So if your world feels small, restricted or boxed in, maybe it's time to go through whose advice you have been listening to. And if you are the one giving advice, I urge you to take responsibility of the power you have been given, and choose your words carefully and wisely. Because the one who teaches what is possible is the one who will help change this world. To believe in what is possible is the only way to thrive, since without that we are left with only the possibility of stagnation and deterioration. So do not listen to other people's fears. Listen to who tells you that whatever you want is yours.

Love and only love,


Words from Michael Jackson's song "We are the world". Highly recommend believing and listening to that advice.

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August 01, 2015

"As media sexy as leprosy."

That's how much the media cares about the elderly population. That's how much attention we pay to the elderly: we look at them just enough as not to seem inconsiderate or disrespectful - and then we look away.
    My mission is to find one elderly person who is in need of love, care and a respectable and dignified rest of his/her life. My aim is to give him/her all that he/she needs. Because that is what all of us are worthy of - until the sweet end. We do not come to this earth to start preparing for a lonely death years before it mercifully takes us away.
    I do not yet know how all of this will come to be or who this person will be, but I'm trusting that when I put my intentions out there I will find my way. And one will become two, two will become three, and for as long as I live I will work on multiplying the number.

So if you have some magic up your sleeve, or powers you are not using, don't hesitate to emerge your sweet self with my vision. Let's make the media scream for these sexy elderly human beings.



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