July 29, 2016

Welcome to la-la land.

I read today, that in pursuing one's dream, sometimes isolation will be inevitable, as not everyone will understand the lengths one needs to go through in order to achieve that dream. I found it very on point, as that is an issue that, since deciding to actually live my dream, has affected my life. I have lost quite many friends since choosing to walk my own path. A subject that I have been struggling with to admit out loud, as one is not supposed to move on from friends, as friends are forever. But I have. And I guess I have all my life; moved on. Because all through my life, I have made it my goal to evolve. To get to know myself, to become a better me. The real me. And when we change, most often as do our surroundings. So once again, I have changed. I had to change, in order to reach my dream. Amongst other, I had to fight against my own preconceptions of "truths". Of how things "are" and how things "go", what is "possible" and what is "not". I have had to completely brake out of my box. A box I hadn't even realised I had put myself in to. I've fought with this to the extent, that additionally fighting against others' preconceptions, others' boxes, simply felt like too much, and not like something I wanted to do, or even try to do. Not anymore. (One of the hardest parts has been to recognize and respect my own feelings of what I want to do. We do so much just to please others, or simply to keep things the way they've always been.)

So I go through my isolation. I surround myself with only angels and quotes about clishés on how beautiful life can be. I dream of harmonious days with husband, baby, pink paintings and love. I push the buttons of every "realist" out there - living in my la-la land. But I am a realist. My la-la attitude is what has gotten me here. I am proof that la-la exists. And only thanks to la-la is all that I have possible. So believe in la-la. See your la-la. And la-la is what will be yours.

Good luck!

La-la love,


July 18, 2016

Keep a lid on it.

To share. To dare to share. To show oneself. One's work, one's thoughts, one's face, body, life. Especially one's beautiful life. Can be a challenge. Can feel scary and hard. For there's a silent shame in doing so. In "flaunting" what one has. Who one is. As one must not show too much...

I cannot count the times I've thought 'What will others think', when about to venture into something my way, when about to post or whilst posting a picture or publishing a thought. (Many times letting the fear take over and leaving it all unposted and unshared.) Because I know what us humans are like. We love pointing out the flaws of others. We love knowing better and being right. Diagnosing show off's and unhealthy habits. And most often we are superiour to the one who puts him/herself out there. The one who walks a different way. Their own way. Especially if they succeed.

I share quite alot with you guys. I have chosen that, and I enjoy it. I might seem strong and confident in doing so, but I have to admit that sometimes it terrifies me. Because in doing so, I open myself up to you all, known and unknown. Your thoughts, your whispers, your expectations and opinions. And that can be absolutely daunting. But it is also what keeps me going, what pushes me forward. As the fear of scrutiny and opinion is a hurdle I want to overcome. A fear I want to dissolve. I want to push the boundarie of insecurity in myself - and brake it. I want to keep being true to myself, and feel pride in doing so - no matter what others might think, say or feel. I want to not hold myself back, tone myself down or change because of others, to keep them comfortable with who I am or should be. Because we care too much. We care too much what others do, and we care too much what others think (about what we do). And I'm sure that we'll keep on doing so, for a long time still, and that's all fine. But what upsets me is, that for some reason there seems to be a limit on how much joy, love, beauty, success (and all other adjectives for good things) is acceptable to show, feel, share and have (whilst none for anguish and suffering). And in crossing that line, we become either too eager, naiveflaunting or narcissists. Why? Aren't these things exactly what we should and would need to support and be happy for these days? Good things! And in doing so, teach our children to be proud of their (and other's) happiness, proud of their (and other's) joy, proud of success and all other good. Not to keep a lid on it, like it's something to be hidden in shame.

There is enough hardship in this world already. And to on top of that build walls around pride, happiness and success - just makes me sad. To make succeeding, walking one's own way, dreaming and doing something about it, an issue of having to dare to do so, because of the fear of stepping on some sensitive spots of others. Of those who won't do, but will criticise. That's a wall I silently brake down every time I show myself. Every time I do things my way. And that's the wall I wish to have disintegrated by the time I start teaching my daughter about her endless possibilities in life. But until then, I'll dare. Because the only thing that keeps anyone from succeeding in anything, is daring to do so. And to do so with pride.

Yours truly,