July 18, 2016

Keep a lid on it.

To share. To dare to share. To show oneself. One's work, one's thoughts, one's face, body, life. Especially one's beautiful life. Can be a challenge. Can feel scary and hard. For there's a silent shame in doing so. In "flaunting" what one has. Who one is. As one must not show too much...

I cannot count the times I've thought 'What will others think', when about to venture into something my way, when about to post or whilst posting a picture or publishing a thought. (Many times letting the fear take over and leaving it all unposted and unshared.) Because I know what us humans are like. We love pointing out the flaws of others. We love knowing better and being right. Diagnosing show off's and unhealthy habits. And most often we are superiour to the one who puts him/herself out there. The one who walks a different way. Their own way. Especially if they succeed.

I share quite alot with you guys. I have chosen that, and I enjoy it. I might seem strong and confident in doing so, but I have to admit that sometimes it terrifies me. Because in doing so, I open myself up to you all, known and unknown. Your thoughts, your whispers, your expectations and opinions. And that can be absolutely daunting. But it is also what keeps me going, what pushes me forward. As the fear of scrutiny and opinion is a hurdle I want to overcome. A fear I want to dissolve. I want to push the boundarie of insecurity in myself - and brake it. I want to keep being true to myself, and feel pride in doing so - no matter what others might think, say or feel. I want to not hold myself back, tone myself down or change because of others, to keep them comfortable with who I am or should be. Because we care too much. We care too much what others do, and we care too much what others think (about what we do). And I'm sure that we'll keep on doing so, for a long time still, and that's all fine. But what upsets me is, that for some reason there seems to be a limit on how much joy, love, beauty, success (and all other adjectives for good things) is acceptable to show, feel, share and have (whilst none for anguish and suffering). And in crossing that line, we become either too eager, naiveflaunting or narcissists. Why? Aren't these things exactly what we should and would need to support and be happy for these days? Good things! And in doing so, teach our children to be proud of their (and other's) happiness, proud of their (and other's) joy, proud of success and all other good. Not to keep a lid on it, like it's something to be hidden in shame.

There is enough hardship in this world already. And to on top of that build walls around pride, happiness and success - just makes me sad. To make succeeding, walking one's own way, dreaming and doing something about it, an issue of having to dare to do so, because of the fear of stepping on some sensitive spots of others. Of those who won't do, but will criticise. That's a wall I silently brake down every time I show myself. Every time I do things my way. And that's the wall I wish to have disintegrated by the time I start teaching my daughter about her endless possibilities in life. But until then, I'll dare. Because the only thing that keeps anyone from succeeding in anything, is daring to do so. And to do so with pride.


Yours truly,

Carolina


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