I want a home birth.

Last year 46 out of 55 759 babies were born at home in Finland. Planned home births that is. An extremely tiny percentage (not even close to a percent), but still a growing number from the year before. Planned home birth is something of a sensitive subject here in Finland. Not seen with very accepting eyes. And if one is one of the 0,0 something percent that wants a home birth, one sort of learns what to say and what not to say when that matter comes up. Basically one just keeps one's mouth shut. Because the reactions and the response can be quite aggressive, judging, even intimidating and harsh. That is why I thought I would leave my thoughts about this subject unsaid and unwritten, at least until our little baby has arrived. But seeing as anything can happen in life, I want to share my thoughts already. Because if it goes as so, as to me giving birth in a hospital, I want everyone to know that that wasn't my wish. I want to proudly stand behind being one of the 0,0 something percent.

When first asked about if I had given any thought as to the circumstances around the birth, my answer came without me even having put any thought into it. I answered the way 16-year-old me would have answered: in hospital, with my husband in another room (as I thought the grossness of something being forced out of my tiny va-jj would not be good for him to see if we ever were to look at each other in that way again), and probably with the help of a lot of painkillers. At sixteen I even felt a cesarean would be just awesome, as that would mean I'd have to do no work, nor go through any pain myself. (!!) And then a full grown man told me he had been a part of his child's birth, and that that had been the most amazing and beautiful thing he had ever seen and experienced, and that he would not have wanted to miss that for the world. His words really got me thinking. If a man could see all that, and find it so beautiful, why was I so shy/afraid/disgusted of the thought? And so, I decided to carefully venture into the world of social media and youtube, and I saw my first ever water birth video - with muted sound though, as that felt like a little too much at once. I did not expect my reaction to be tears, nor how beautiful I would find it to be. It was like my eyes were opened and all fears washed away - in some other woman's birth pool.

I love the feeling of knowing myself. Of trusting myself, my intuition, my own judgement. And when you find something that for the first time in your life makes an event you've dreaded into a beautiful thing - well, I wanted to know more. So I watched more videos (with sound gradually going up), read more articles, blogs, and even bought me some old school books. And now, for the first time in my life, I know what birth is. I know what happens in a woman's body. I know about all the magnificent hormones we have, how our bodies are built, what happens when the process of birth begins, what positions help deliver, how to breathe and move in order to help relieve the pain. And with knowing all of this I now have complete trust in my body. I have no doubts I cannot do this. And absolutely no doubts that this will be the most beautiful thing in my life so far. I have no shame of showing myself in this state to my husband Sam. None. He has now become the one I want closest to me when all this happens. And I want to do it at home. I want the natural pace of the process to be respected. I want to be surrounded by people who trust, believe and know that a woman's body is more than capable of performing this act - as naturally as possible. Because this is the most natural thing.

So why is it so difficult to "come clean" about wanting and wishing for a planned home birth? Because people react so hard. And why do people react so hard? Is it the matter of safety? That is the first thing one gets asked/told. But if we put the topic of it being a safety issue aside for now, and let it rest on the fact that with every intervention done at a hospital (interventions you might never even come to second guess, as you already perceive them as a "natural" part of birth), there are risks as well. And if we respect the woman as much as to assume that she has done her homework - and her judgement based on that. (That she is healthy, in the risk free zone, close to a hospital and has expert and experienced help with her.) Then why is her choice frowned upon? Why does she get judged? Called irresponsible. Is it because a woman thinking outside the box (or hospital in this case), is a woman making things difficult by taking things into her own hands? By thinking for herself? Is she not capable of doing so? When a woman wants to know how her body works, be it through buying books, googling, taking childbirth classes, having a doula and/or a personal midwife (who, in some people's opinion, have the audacity of getting paid for their help) - that is not a woman who has lost the capability of thinking for herself, nor does it mean she has lost the capability of performing the most natural of things: giving birth (on the contrary - she wants to do it as well as possible - by herself). And those are not businesses ripping off vulnerable and pregnancy hormone confused women. These things empower the woman. So why do we belittle them? Knowledge is perceived as power in almost everything else - except for when a woman knows? Can a woman know?

I respect all that the doctors, nurses and midwives at the hospitals do. I just want to make that perfectly clear. This text has nothing to do with the place most women choose to give birth. That is everyone's right to choose for themselves. But this text is about how I, through the process of being pregnant, found a great discomfort in the role of the passive patient I was put in. After all, this is the most active, personal and hands on happening of my life. It is me, my body, and the little miracle growing her own life there inside. I would much appreciate my knowledge, judgement, intuition and choices being respected. As no one else is going to give birth to this girl but me.


Lovelovelove,


Carolina