I don't want to be alone.

I've felt alone my entire life. I haven't been alone, but I've felt alone. I've gotten very used to the feeling of being alone. This feeling is what I perceive as normal. Finding peace in this feeling, I've avoided binding ties. Letting people in - only to then keep them at a distance. Alone is where I feel safe. Alone no one can hurt me. Yet the hurt has come, and the hurt has been great.

Still, I do need to be alone. I do need the silence around me. I desire my space and solitude, for it is here that I step into who I am. It is here that I create from all that I see around me. But I've come to the point of where I now need to choose. I'm now at the brink of changing. Consciously staying, where I always used to leave. Consciously turning who I am inside out. I've choked, I've panicked, I've not known what to do. And so I've returned to my haven. I've questioned myself, questioned all that I'm doing, for the amount of uneasy is at times too great to bare. But returning to my solitude I know I'm ready to do this. I may choke, I may cry and have panic rushing over me. But aloneness is not what I want anymore. Aloneness is not what I desire. No longer do I want to be scared of my close ones. No longer do I want to feel safe behind the distance. I do not want to feel alone anymore. I do not want to live alone any longer. 'Cause feeling alone is what I've done all my life. And being alone what I had created around me.



Yours truly,

Carolina