Follow your fears.

I have wanted to write a book for years and years now. I've absolutely adored writing ever since I learnt how to. Loved how placing the words a certain way, sentences after each other, how playing with synonyms and meanings - all become like a work of art. A picture. Many pictures in fact. It's just a world of its own. And I actually believed, like really believed, I was good at it, until I was about 13 or 14 and our new teacher told us, we shouldn't think too much of ourselves. Annika, I think her name was. A person whose main goal seemed to be to tear us down from dreaming/being "naive", and into "reality". I remember, how slowly, but very surely, her classes and the way she gave feedback, suffocated my flame and my love for writing, and killed my belief in my skill.

So writing a book is a place of big insecurities for me. Filled with fear of not being good enough. Of what do I have to offer that is so special. But it's my dream. It's something I want to do. Something I would do, if anything and everything was possible. And that's exactly why I am going to do it: Because the only thing keeping me from going there is fear (disguised as "reason", I may add). And this amount of fear, all this "reason", is the reason I know I need to do this. That I am meant to do this. Otherwise, I simply would not care. Otherwise, I simply would not fear. It's what we love the most that we fear the most. So follow your fears, and you'll know exactly where your dreams are.


Love love live,

Carolina 

Why we hurt so much.

We can do yoga, we can meditate, we can surround ourselves with crystals, religion and matcha lattes - but we cannot find true peace, true happiness, true balance, true freedom or true health - without realising the importance of our past - and doing the work of releasing it.

We are a product of our hurts. And for as long as we are that, so will our children be. This hurt has been passed down from generation to generation. We are a product of our ancestors' view of "normal". We carry their patterns, their views, their ways. Their behaviour, their traditions, thoughts and feelings. And we do this all without realising it. Without questioning it. It's all in our subconscious and it dictates and steers every single decision we make in life. How we think and feel about ourselves, how we think and feel about others. How we treat ourselves, how we treat others. And if we do not question this, if we do not dare question our ancestors, ourselves, our choices, our ways, our feelings - all that has been given to us - we will keep raising new generations in the same old way.

And this way that is not working anymore. It's not working for humanity, it's not working for the individual. It's definitely not working for this planet, nor the ones we share this planet with.

Until we, as a generation, realise this: that this world will never change, unless we change ourselves, until we question everything about ourselves - we will leave this world a lesser place than the one we arrived to.

Love love love,

Carolina

I am nothing.

We are nothing. We are not even the image of ourselves that we perceive ourselves to be. But still, we are whole. Actually, our wholeness is in the nothing. It's just that it has become our nature to distract ourselves from this nothingness. And in the fear of feeling nothing, we justify and normalise everything that leads us away from feeling whole. (Ironically, in the name of finding what makes us whole...)

All this personal growth, all these things, achievements, titles, thoughts, processes... When it comes down to it - they are not what gives me true peace. They are not what makes me feel whole. They give me temporary kicks, yes. They keep me distracted, yes. And the chase for something "better" keeps me busy, gives me a momentary sense of purpose. But when they fade, when the goals are reached and the thoughts thought, I feel this heavy emptiness again.

And then I stumble upon Jim Carrey saying that we are nothing. That nothing in fact is anything. That things just happen. And that he found great peace in this. Well, the only thing I found was anxiety, confusion and resistance. But I was intrigued. Greatly intrigued. (My next personal growth challenge - yay!) Yet, I still didn't want to think it, I still didn't want to accept it; that I would be nothing. Because with that thought - what's my purpose? Why would I be here, why would we all be here, if we are nothing? But I am now realising that the search for purpose is what actually creates the feeling of no purpose. Because if you have to look for it, that in itself already means it is lost. But if you accept that it is already there, then that is where it will be: there.

So, basically what this means is that we lose ourselves when we start looking for ourselves. When we're asked what we want to be when we grow up. When we're asked what we want out of life. We don't need to figure it out, because it's already there. We already are, and that's the whole point. What we need is to learn to accept that. That we don't need to make ourselves up, to find a role (and then hold on to that role with our dear lives). What we need is to accept that in a world where nothing is good enough, the nothing is what's good enough.

Lovelovelove,

Carolina