Why you should do everything in your power to make your woman feel good about herself.

This is a hard text for me to write - and especially to publish - because it opens up an issue I have a hard time accepting and admitting about myself: That I need care. That I need comfort. That I need someone to tell me I'm beautiful, that I'm adorable. It forces me to admit that I need confirmation, that I need safety. And that I need someone to help remind me of who I really am. 

(Please note that this is my side of birth.)

Childbirth changed me. A. Fricking. Lot. Before I had my baby, before I had carried her for nine months, before I had spent two days pushing her out, I felt a freedom in my body that I don't remember ever feeling before. For a few years, I explored myself. My powers. My energy. My possibilities. I had fun. But I've lost that sense of freedom now. It got lost in a body that literally turned inside out, and the consequences of that. It got lost in me losing my Self, in me hurting, in me not knowing whether I was up or whether I was down. And I've struggled so with the feeling that this is so unfair. That I have to do all this work again, to find my way back to that free place - a place I already spent 30 something years on finding. (And it was not a picnic, I can tell you. But yes, always worth the work.)

This is why you should do everything in your power to make your woman feel good about herself - still loooong after birth. As she might not know where she is anymore. Where that woman is. She might find the mother in herself. The partner. The caretaker. But the woman, the woman that laughs carelessly with you, the woman that enjoys with you, the woman that is funny, quirky, happy, adorable, mysterious, free. If she's lost, you need to help find her. You need to do everything - and then some - to help bring her back. Because you have a baby together. You are in this - together. Your woman carries your baby for you. She nurtures your baby, she sacrifices her body, she sacrifices her Self.

So if you don't know who that woman opposite you is anymore. If you don't know where the woman you once knew went. Then it's your duty to find out. It's your duty to see if she's okay. Not blame her for getting lost. Not blame her for becoming a mother. If you started your relationship to this woman with notes, with compliments, with gifts, with hugs, with touches, with hints - with whatever - you need to continue what you started. Because if you stop - when she is going through the biggest change of her life, the change that forces her to rediscover and redefine every single thing about herself - if you take away what you once gave that woman, then you will give her confirmation that you also do not see her anymore. That she's invisible. That she simply is not there. And if neither of you know where that woman is, if neither of you see her or is the one who remembers - then you might both lose sight of her forever.

Birth changes everything. Time changes everything. But some things need to stay the same.

Lovelovelove,

Carolina

No more Good Girls.

How many of you grew up to be the Good Girl? The girl that pleases everyone. The girl who always puts everyone else's needs first. Even at her own expense. The girl who doesn't even know she has a choice, that she - her wants and needs - are of as much value as anyone else's. I did.

I've been finding myself saying Good Girl to Grace a lot lately (comes out like I'm on auto pilot or something) - when I want to give her thanks for doing as I say, for doing the "right" thing, a good thing... And every time I do, I find myself feeling bad. Every time something tells me I'm doing the wrong thing. Because being a Good Girl has actually been the worst thing I have been. Being a Good Girl I never knew I had choice. That my will mattered. That it was of value. That I was of value. Instead I thought my will was a burden. Ugly. Unattractive. Annoying. I was meant to please other's will. I was meant to take others into consideration. Other people's wills, wants, choices and needs.

So, as I'm using Good Girl as a way of expressing my appreciation to Grace, my thank you - why am I not saying that, what I actually mean - Thank You! Would that change anything? Where would that lead? Would it lead to Grace knowing I am grateful for her choice? That her choice matters? That she has a choice. That her will matters? Will she teach herself which choice feels good and which not? Will she learn that her self worth is not in if she pleases others (not even me), but in the choices she decides to make. Will she feel the freedom of knowing she is loved for who she is - not for being a Good Girl. Because children do understand, that where there's good there is bad. And for a child, being bad means being unloved. And no one wants to be unloved, least a child. So a child will do everything in their power to stay loved. And in the quest to do so, the child's own will and person disappears, as all she seeks out are ways to be a good girl. To be The Good Girl. To be loved.

Love,

Carolina

Once you go gut, you can't go 'but'.

To listen to one's gut/intuition. That's a tricky one sometimes. Some might even say they can't hear it. Don't have it, never have (=ultimate untruth). Think their life is simply too hectic, too busy, too noisy to have the peace and quiet - or even the opportunity - to hear it. That one simply isn't one of the lucky ones to just go through life following one's feeling. But it doesn't work like that. The gut is a whisper, yes. And the more zen you are, the louder the voice of the gut becomes. But you don't ever have to start off with being super zen to hear your gut. The voice is there - and you know it. You just need to dare listen to it, dare believe it - over your brain - when it says something.

If I had to give the brain one word, it would be 'but'. 'But' is the brain's absolute favourite. Because after 'but' comes all the reasons (read excuses); why something simply could not happen, why something would never work, why it is not the right time, why something is just plain impossible, and so on and so on and so on. The brain tells us that following one's gut would be dangerous, risky, full of drama. But it only says that, because drama is the brain's expertise. Drama is actually all our brain knows. Risk assessment. From danger. And danger = drama. But the truth is, that my life has only been drama when I've chosen to ignore my gut and allowed for my brain to take the lead. When I've come up with excuses instead of being brave enough to listen to, and believe, what my intuition is telling me. And all of a sudden everything feels like hell. Nothing runs smoothly and nothing goes my way. But that's not life's, that is not the circumstances' nor anyone else's fault. That is me not owning up to the responsibility of listening to, and believing, my gut.

It's so much easier to believe the brain, isn't it. Because that's what we're taught. That we have this mighty, wise brain. The most important thing. And we hear it so loud, because it is so frigging loud. Drama always is. But life flows in a different way when you follow your gut. Of course, there will always be challenges, but the wave is different. The ease. The evolution. One moves forward in a different way. There's never the feeling of having to force something to happen. There's acceptance. Balance. Harmony. In a very different way.

So what if you tried it. Follow your gut. Wait for the smallest of feelings. That tiny little tenth of a second, when something tells you to do something. You'll know it's your gut talking, if your brain starts going all crazy with reasons as to why you should not follow through with it.


Love,

C