It's all your fault that I'm not happy.

We are so reluctant to face and accept the fact that we are responsible for what we do, how we think, what we feel, what we go through, what happens in and with our lives. We're so comfortable with everything always being someone or something else's fault.

Global warming, pollution, humans, children and animals being mistreated - we all have our part in it, don't we. But it's so convenient to blame others. 

We're stuck at a job that's eating us up from the inside, because of living costs and/or a loan or two. But we choose and chose that loan, we choose how we live, what we consider to need in life, don't we. But it's so convenient to blame the loan, to use all sorts of reasons why we need that loan, that house, that car, those clothes, that boat. 

We're stuck in a relationship or relationships that make us unhappy, that hold us back in life. But we're choosing to stay, aren't we. The convenience, the finances, the traditions, the mutual friends, the children - they're all just excuses, and it's too easy and just too convenient to have them as the reason we're not making a change, isn't it.

Our bad mood, all that goes wrong in a day, a week, a month, our lives... Is all the fault of the weather, our a-hole boss, our job, the news, the bus driver, our friend, our ex, our mother, our partner. Because we are not responsible for what we think or feel or do - but, again: they are. They are responsible for our life choices, for what happens to us, how we react and how we feel. Or if not, at least they should be the ones to fix it. To fix our lives. To fix how we feel. What our experience is. Or at least stop making it so damn impossible for us to be happy.

But why are we and why do we get unhappy? It's exactly because of this: we're looking for the reason, for the responsibility, for the blame - in everything and anything else but in ourselves. 

It's all your fault, that I'm not happy.

Love love,

Carolina

To heal the world.

Thinking a lot about what I stand for. What my values are. What I'm here for. My purpose. Asking myself what it is I really want. Who and what I really want to be.

Am I here to consume? Am I here to promote consuming? Am I here to be and to do like everybody else? Am I here to exploit the world? Am I here to do and to get as much as possible? Or am I here to take care of the world. Am I here to share and to help the ones I can help. Am I here to stand for causes instead of consumption. To stand for peace instead of stress. To stand for values instead of goods. What do I want to teach my daughter? What do I want her to grow up knowing? What do I want her to value? To stand for? To feel about herself?

I want to only want what I actually really want. What speaks the same language as my values. I don't want to want just because everybody else wants, or because trends and/or companies tell me that I should want. I don't want to be a certain way or do certain things because everybody else is. I don't want to want because I get it for free. Or tell you you should want it because I got it for free. I won't take anything for free. Because my consumption I want to keep for my own needs. I'm not here to tell you what you should want. Or how you should be.

I think a lot. I think a lot of how my choices reflect on others. I take my role here quite seriously. I want to stand for what's important in this life. To take care of each other. To take care of our planet. To reconnect with our earth and ourselves. To relearn to be okay with silence. With peace. With not performing all the time.

I want my daughter to know this. That I did all I could to become the best human being I could imagine. That I did all I could to give back. That I lived according to my values. True to my Self. That I found my purpose in life. That I dared stand behind it. And that there is no shame in wanting to heal the world.

Love,

Carolina

Popping the cherry.

I obviously need to pop the cherry, brake the ice, tare down the wall - whatever - because I have writer's block and I want it gone. I've tried to produce this most awesome of awesome texts about what motherhood is for me for about five months now, and every time I try I end up with nothing but huge frustration. I am trying too hard. My expectations are too high and I am thinking waaay too much about what you guys on the other side of the screen will think. So I'll just start with putting into simple and honest words what I at this moment feel.

I feel us women, in our attempt to maintain our hard earned freedom and strength, are putting added strains and expectations upon ourselves and each other. There is such an immense pressure out there nowadays to not let life change a bit when becoming a mother. Bodies that need to be back in pre baby shape as soon as possible. Lunches that need to be lunched, dinners that need to be dined - where ever and whenever. Hobbies, events, activities, trips, dates, meetings, careers - all need to remain unaffected by the fact that one now has a baby. Because the women who do let a baby "get in the way" are considered old school, maybe boring, possibly even a bit lame and weak.

I was one of the women who thought like this, because I had no idea what having a baby is all about. I thought nothing would and/or should change. Well, of course something, but I saw myself carrying on almost exactly as before - but with a baby. What I instead found was, that I very much do know how to surprise myself... Turns out I am that annoying mother who says No to an invitation because the timing is inconvenient due to baby eat, sleep or whatever other reason. (And oh, how I've beaten myself up about that.) Turns out I am that mother who wears those sweat pants and showers twice (or once) a week. I am that mother whose weight sticks to her like glue, something I only thought happens to lazy people. (But then again, I haven't lifted a weight or broken a sweat to get back into pre baby shape, which in its turn has made me feel like I am a bad woman and wife for not trying enough or putting in the effort to look my best. (Note to self: are these the feelings and thoughts of a modern, independent woman? Sounds a bit 1950's to me...) But: my energy levels are simply not high enough to care and/or take this on right now. And I am on a mission to learn to love myself - no matter what I look like - a state I did not really think I would reach, but in fact, as late as this morning I looked myself in the mirror and actually liked the reflection of my soft baby tummy and rounded hips - because they were mine! And Grace made them!) And finally, my biggest shame: I am the furthest you can come from a "normalize breastfeeding" mother. The only place I bare my boobs is at home. (And oh, oh, oh, how I have beaten myself up about this!)

Now, knowing women, I'm sure many are happy to hear that I am not perfect. But there are also many who might think of me as being lazy and weak. Maybe even feel a bit disappointed in me, that I am allowing for this to happen. But I am. And what I've now found is that basically it has nothing to do with my baby "getting in the way". It has to do with me. With me making choices that feel best for me. With the sort of person I am. With the sort of woman the mother in me turned out to be. It's all and only about what I feel comfortable with. And after kicking myself for five months over everything and anything, I have come to the conclusion that, what does make me a strong and independent woman, what does keep my hard earned freedom unaffected, is the fact that I get to do and be however and whatever I want. So, I am hereby releaving myself of all expectations - others' and my own. And for the sake of women's rights, I hope you do the same.



Love,

Carolina


PS. For those who were expecting a post about introvert mothers: post is in labour, but yet to be born.