October 26, 2015

Castaway.

If you've ever had a cast, you'll know how it feels when that cast finally comes off. You'll know how fragile the skin is, how tender and awkward it feels. You'll know the tingling feeling of when the hairs on your skin start to rise again. You'll know how a small breath of air can feel like a giant just brushed up against you. How vulnerable your skin is to any outer contact and how you need to be aware of the right pace, of not exposing yourself to too much too soon.

It's the same exact experience when you make the conscious decision to finally reveal yourself. Your vulnerability. When you decide to remove the cast you've so tightly held around yourself. It's the same sort of awkwardness. You feel as exposed, as fragile and exactly as scared of being touched. And left at the complete mercy of your sensitivity to change.

I'm at that point now. I've removed the cast. I'm starting to feel the wind of fresh air reach me. The tenderness of another touch my core. I've felt how a gentle stroke can carry the force of fire. How waves of kindness wash over me, asking to carry me out to sea. And I'm feeling all the fears that go with it. All the reflexes that want me to shy away, to cover up again. To protect myself. Those reflexes - they're strong. But I've led a life where I've protected myself. And therefore, I've led a life where I've wondered if this really is all there is to it. It has been a life where l haven't allowed another to take a part of all there is to me. The truly vulnerable me. The exposed me. And I've come to the conclusion that I don't want to live my life protected by a cast. I don't want to find all my safety in solitude anymore. I want to accustom myself to the fire. To not shy away when warmth reaches me. I want to go out to sea and experience all there is to it, not only what I hid under my cast from before. So no more castaway. Now is the time to cast the cast away.



See you on the other side.


Love,

Carolina

1 comment:

  1. Wow. It´s what came to my mind at every line you wrote.

    It is what I told myself about one year ago. Every morning, during my power walk in the woods, I tell life: I am ready, show me everything, show me who Andrea is, fully, openly, honestly.


    Thank you. Andrea

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