I read today, that in pursuing one's dream, sometimes isolation will be inevitable, as not everyone will understand the lengths one needs to go through in order to achieve that dream. I found it very on point, as that is an issue that, since deciding to actually live my dream, has affected my life. I have lost quite many friends since choosing to walk my own path. A subject that I have been struggling with to admit out loud, as one is not supposed to move on from friends, as friends are forever. But I have. And I guess I have all my life; moved on. Because all through my life, I have made it my goal to evolve. To get to know myself, to become a better me. The real me. And when we change, most often as do our surroundings. So once again, I have changed. I had to change, in order to reach my dream. Amongst other, I had to fight against my own preconceptions of "truths". Of how things "are" and how things "go", what is "possible" and what is "not". I have had to completely brake out of my box. A box I hadn't even realised I had put myself in to. I've fought with this to the extent, that additionally fighting against others' preconceptions, others' boxes, simply felt like too much, and not like something I wanted to do, or even try to do. Not anymore. (One of the hardest parts has been to recognize and respect my own feelings of what I want to do. We do so much just to please others, or simply to keep things the way they've always been.)
So I go through my isolation. I surround myself with only angels and quotes about clishés on how beautiful life can be. I dream of harmonious days with husband, baby, pink paintings and love. I push the buttons of every "realist" out there - living in my la-la land. But I am a realist. My la-la attitude is what has gotten me here. I am proof that la-la exists. And only thanks to la-la is all that I have possible. So believe in la-la. See your la-la. And la-la is what will be yours.
Good luck!
La-la love,
Carolina
July 29, 2016
July 18, 2016
Keep a lid on it.
To share. To dare to share. To show oneself. One's work, one's thoughts, one's face, body, life. Especially one's beautiful life. Can be a challenge. Can feel scary and hard. For there's a silent shame in doing so. In "flaunting" what one has. Who one is. As one must not show too much...
I cannot count the times I've thought 'What will others think', when about to venture into something my way, when about to post or whilst posting a picture or publishing a thought. (Many times letting the fear take over and leaving it all unposted and unshared.) Because I know what us humans are like. We love pointing out the flaws of others. We love knowing better and being right. Diagnosing show off's and unhealthy habits. And most often we are superiour to the one who puts him/herself out there. The one who walks a different way. Their own way. Especially if they succeed.
I share quite alot with you guys. I have chosen that, and I enjoy it. I might seem strong and confident in doing so, but I have to admit that sometimes it terrifies me. Because in doing so, I open myself up to you all, known and unknown. Your thoughts, your whispers, your expectations and opinions. And that can be absolutely daunting. But it is also what keeps me going, what pushes me forward. As the fear of scrutiny and opinion is a hurdle I want to overcome. A fear I want to dissolve. I want to push the boundarie of insecurity in myself - and brake it. I want to keep being true to myself, and feel pride in doing so - no matter what others might think, say or feel. I want to not hold myself back, tone myself down or change because of others, to keep them comfortable with who I am or should be. Because we care too much. We care too much what others do, and we care too much what others think (about what we do). And I'm sure that we'll keep on doing so, for a long time still, and that's all fine. But what upsets me is, that for some reason there seems to be a limit on how much joy, love, beauty, success (and all other adjectives for good things) is acceptable to show, feel, share and have (whilst none for anguish and suffering). And in crossing that line, we become either too eager, naive, flaunting or narcissists. Why? Aren't these things exactly what we should and would need to support and be happy for these days? Good things! And in doing so, teach our children to be proud of their (and other's) happiness, proud of their (and other's) joy, proud of success and all other good. Not to keep a lid on it, like it's something to be hidden in shame.
There is enough hardship in this world already. And to on top of that build walls around pride, happiness and success - just makes me sad. To make succeeding, walking one's own way, dreaming and doing something about it, an issue of having to dare to do so, because of the fear of stepping on some sensitive spots of others. Of those who won't do, but will criticise. That's a wall I silently brake down every time I show myself. Every time I do things my way. And that's the wall I wish to have disintegrated by the time I start teaching my daughter about her endless possibilities in life. But until then, I'll dare. Because the only thing that keeps anyone from succeeding in anything, is daring to do so. And to do so with pride.
Yours truly,
Carolina
I cannot count the times I've thought 'What will others think', when about to venture into something my way, when about to post or whilst posting a picture or publishing a thought. (Many times letting the fear take over and leaving it all unposted and unshared.) Because I know what us humans are like. We love pointing out the flaws of others. We love knowing better and being right. Diagnosing show off's and unhealthy habits. And most often we are superiour to the one who puts him/herself out there. The one who walks a different way. Their own way. Especially if they succeed.
I share quite alot with you guys. I have chosen that, and I enjoy it. I might seem strong and confident in doing so, but I have to admit that sometimes it terrifies me. Because in doing so, I open myself up to you all, known and unknown. Your thoughts, your whispers, your expectations and opinions. And that can be absolutely daunting. But it is also what keeps me going, what pushes me forward. As the fear of scrutiny and opinion is a hurdle I want to overcome. A fear I want to dissolve. I want to push the boundarie of insecurity in myself - and brake it. I want to keep being true to myself, and feel pride in doing so - no matter what others might think, say or feel. I want to not hold myself back, tone myself down or change because of others, to keep them comfortable with who I am or should be. Because we care too much. We care too much what others do, and we care too much what others think (about what we do). And I'm sure that we'll keep on doing so, for a long time still, and that's all fine. But what upsets me is, that for some reason there seems to be a limit on how much joy, love, beauty, success (and all other adjectives for good things) is acceptable to show, feel, share and have (whilst none for anguish and suffering). And in crossing that line, we become either too eager, naive, flaunting or narcissists. Why? Aren't these things exactly what we should and would need to support and be happy for these days? Good things! And in doing so, teach our children to be proud of their (and other's) happiness, proud of their (and other's) joy, proud of success and all other good. Not to keep a lid on it, like it's something to be hidden in shame.
There is enough hardship in this world already. And to on top of that build walls around pride, happiness and success - just makes me sad. To make succeeding, walking one's own way, dreaming and doing something about it, an issue of having to dare to do so, because of the fear of stepping on some sensitive spots of others. Of those who won't do, but will criticise. That's a wall I silently brake down every time I show myself. Every time I do things my way. And that's the wall I wish to have disintegrated by the time I start teaching my daughter about her endless possibilities in life. But until then, I'll dare. Because the only thing that keeps anyone from succeeding in anything, is daring to do so. And to do so with pride.
Yours truly,
Carolina
June 18, 2016
To brake up with quantity.
So often we live with people in our lives that do not make us truly happy. People in whose company we don't really feel so good (at least not if we are completely honest with ourselves). But so often in our lives we stay there anyway, in this company/relationship, with these people - just for the habit of doing so, of always having done so. Or simply to avoid otherwise being alone... We settle and we complain, but then we never do anything about it.
I'm a loner in the sence that I truly love being by myself. I find my own company so good, that I've often felt that I could (and probably would) be happier alone than in the company I have chosen to be. But yet, I've been comfortable enough as to avoid the question of doing anything about it. Comfortable and scared of making a change. But one year ago life once again placed itself in front of me in such a way that I had no option but to wake up to this reality. I had to stop ignoring the facts that I wasn't completely happy and hiding behind good enough. Because good enough simply isn't good enough when one wants to make the absolute best of one's life. And there, I am hooked. I've made the descision and a commitment to live my dreams. And in my dreams, only the best is good enough. Why shouldn't it be?
When jumping into the unknown. When deciding that you are going follow your dreams, to for example make it in a field persieved as impossible - that demands alot from you. It's a descision that will affect every area of your life. Already the challenge of being so broke as to not have the means to buy a canvas to paint on (when a painted canvas is your livelyhood), is demanding enough. But the true challenge is hanging in there mentally and emotionally. To through these times continue to believe in oneself. So if you at this point do not have people around you who know how to support - then you'll make it all the harder on yourself. You might even lose your faith and give up. That's why, when jumping in, when following a dream, it is vital to become open to the effects relationships have on you. To dare see how they affect your heart, your soul, your emotions, your mind, your personal growth and most of all your belief in yourself.
They say it's through crisis you know who your true friends are. But I think supporting someone in a time of crisis is easy, as most people find comfort and relief in knowing that someone is worse off than they are. But to support and root for someone living and following their dream, someone who feels alive and absolutely loves their life no matter what bank account says - that's when you will recognize the true ones.
One will never know the price one is paying for settling - be it in job, home, partner(s), friends, acquaintances, company - until one dares to be honest with oneself and take the consequences of that reality. It takes making to respect oneself a priority. The priority. To dare face the challenges change always brings. The objections and the disappoitments of other people, the living through times alone. But I've been through enough. I've already seen so much as to know that what lies ahead will only and always be better. So go brake up with quantity. Devote yourself to quality. And I promise, your life will never feel richer.
I'm a loner in the sence that I truly love being by myself. I find my own company so good, that I've often felt that I could (and probably would) be happier alone than in the company I have chosen to be. But yet, I've been comfortable enough as to avoid the question of doing anything about it. Comfortable and scared of making a change. But one year ago life once again placed itself in front of me in such a way that I had no option but to wake up to this reality. I had to stop ignoring the facts that I wasn't completely happy and hiding behind good enough. Because good enough simply isn't good enough when one wants to make the absolute best of one's life. And there, I am hooked. I've made the descision and a commitment to live my dreams. And in my dreams, only the best is good enough. Why shouldn't it be?
When jumping into the unknown. When deciding that you are going follow your dreams, to for example make it in a field persieved as impossible - that demands alot from you. It's a descision that will affect every area of your life. Already the challenge of being so broke as to not have the means to buy a canvas to paint on (when a painted canvas is your livelyhood), is demanding enough. But the true challenge is hanging in there mentally and emotionally. To through these times continue to believe in oneself. So if you at this point do not have people around you who know how to support - then you'll make it all the harder on yourself. You might even lose your faith and give up. That's why, when jumping in, when following a dream, it is vital to become open to the effects relationships have on you. To dare see how they affect your heart, your soul, your emotions, your mind, your personal growth and most of all your belief in yourself.
They say it's through crisis you know who your true friends are. But I think supporting someone in a time of crisis is easy, as most people find comfort and relief in knowing that someone is worse off than they are. But to support and root for someone living and following their dream, someone who feels alive and absolutely loves their life no matter what bank account says - that's when you will recognize the true ones.
One will never know the price one is paying for settling - be it in job, home, partner(s), friends, acquaintances, company - until one dares to be honest with oneself and take the consequences of that reality. It takes making to respect oneself a priority. The priority. To dare face the challenges change always brings. The objections and the disappoitments of other people, the living through times alone. But I've been through enough. I've already seen so much as to know that what lies ahead will only and always be better. So go brake up with quantity. Devote yourself to quality. And I promise, your life will never feel richer.
Love,
Carolina
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